Life, I Guess

8

Four months ago...
"What are you doing?" my best friend Alexis asks me.

"He just... Understands. Okay? I really like him. I don't know how this happened. I just really, really like him." We're on the floor of Alexis' room. Recently, Devin has shown interest in me. We've been friends through Will and text all the time, but I didn't think I would like him. He's so...

"He's obnoxious, touchy, and a know-it-all," Alexis says matter-of-factly.

"But he's also caring and funny and understanding and-"

"Yeah! Towards you! What about the rest of our group?"

"Well, maybe he just doesn't know you yet."

"And he knows you?" she spits at me. I feel a stab of something in my chest. Is that anxiety? Guilt? It's unfamiliar.

"We text almost everyday and..."

"You can't get close through text messaging. I'm sorry, but that's not how it works."

I disagree with her. I've told Devin about aches and pains no one has heard of. He's told me his opinions on almost everything. We've been close.

"I'm not asking for your approval of him. I'm asking for your approval of me being happy. You know how crappy my last boyfriend was."

"Stop basing your worth on boyfriends!"

What worth?

There's a voice, unusual and foreign. Every negative comment Alexis throws at me makes that little voice and stabbing feeling in my heart increase.

"I'm not. Listen, I need to get home. I have to pack for my dad's. Bye." I leave Alexis on her floor, shaking her head at the mistake she thinks I'm making.

There's something about Devin that I can't turn away from. Maybe if I could put it into words for her, she'd understand.

You need him.

There it is again! My heart speeds up and there are anxious butterflies in my stomach. Why do I need Devin? I'm not basing my worth off of him.

I sigh. Unlocking my car, I get in and turn on some music.

"You give me something to talk about that's not the shit in my head. You're a miracle," sings out the radio. I stare at my reflection in the rearview mirror.

What even is in my head?

Pulling out of Alexis' street, the song continues to play and I realize how much it applies to why I've been talking to Devin. He's not Alexis, he's not Will, he's not Veronica. My three friends all know the self I try to project, but Devin knows me. Around Devin, I can talk about anything without a filter of opinions I'm supposed to have.

He's my miracle.

As I park my car inside the garage, I take out my phone to text Devin a link to the song. It's on a whim, but I know he likes me at this point.

Almost immediately my phone lights up.

Devin Thomas 4:36 pm
iMessage

Do I respond right away? Maybe that's too straightforward. I open the message anyway.

I like that :)