Life, I Guess

4

"Hey, you never told me how your history quiz went."

"There wasn't one."

Devin and I are walking to my house. We're holding hands and occasionally bumping into each other "on accident". My obnoxiously long hair keeps blowing into Devin's face. He claims it's funny, but I internally punish myself for every mistake I make that's out of my hands.

"Oh, that wasn't very nice." Devin gives me a sympathetic look. I perk up at the attention, but keep my face somber.

"I would have failed it, too."

"No, you would have gotten a C and acted like it was the end of the world."

"Ha, yeah..." I smile, but it hurts. It's true, and that's the most painful part. I can't change who I am. Who I am is worried about grades and appearances.

You'll never be good enough.

We approach my driveway and my heart thumps. I suddenly regret suggesting that no one would be home.

"Wanna go check and see if we can have some alone time?" Devin questions with a smirk, leaning in to kiss me behind my ear. He works his way across my cheek, the bridge of my nose, and to the other side.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

"Let me go inside, stay there."

I walk into the house even though I know no one is home. Mom is at work, my younger brother is at school, and my older brother is staying with my dad. I have another sibling, a half-sister, that lives with my dad and stepmom, but that's an hour away from here.

I check the garage to see if a car besides my own is in there, but the place is empty. I contemplate saying my younger brother, Calvin, stayed home sick today, but Devin would want to say hi. I walk back to the front door and signal for Devin to come in.

My heart pounds. My hands are slick. My breath is uneven.

You're not attractive. He's using you for himself.

"Come here, babe. You look pale...er than usual." Devin laughs. A smile comes across my face. "How was your day at school?"

"I told you while we were walking here, it was okay."

"Okay, how were you at school?"

"Oh, nothing out of the ordinary." I wave it off like it's nothing. To me, it is nothing. It's typical. And as long as nothing gets worse, it'll eventually get better. I hope.

"Then there should be nothing distracting you from me right now, but you still look off. What can I do?"

I answer by pulling him onto the couch, throwing my arms around his neck, and losing myself in our passionate exchange.

At least, it looks passionate and it feels passionate to him. I am thinking about my every movement and emotion.

My hair is in the way. I'm not matching his movements. Does he like what my tongue is doing, or is it gross? Hands on his back. Scratch him, that's sexy right?

When I worry about how I am with Devin, I feel like it's something productive. Another human is benefiting from my constant worry about what I'm doing, and I receive physical, tangible feedback.