Life, I Guess

9

"How was your date?" Mom asks as I walk in.

"Good," I reply.

"Just good?" I shrug. "Anyway, are you joining Jason at your dad's this weekend?"

Why would I pack a suitcase to be ignored for two days?

"Um... I don't want to, but I guess I will," I say glumly.

"Sweetie, are you okay?"

No, I'm not! Help me! Tell her about how much you hate going over there.

"Yeah."

"Did something happen on your date tonight, or did something happen last weekend?" Mom interrogates me.

"I'm fine, okay?! I'll pack my suitcase and leave after school tomorrow. I'll text you when I'm there." I start up the stairs.

"Samantha! First of all, don't raise your voice at your mother. Second of all, you haven't looked like your normal self since you've started dating that boy. I'm your mother. Don't think that you can hide things from me. What is going on?" Mom is standing with her hands on her hips.

This is the attention you wanted.

"I am my normal self. I really like Devin, so don't blame him for problems that are my fault. Also, I just don't want to go to dad's," I explain. I'm not telling the whole truth, but I'm not lying either. I want attention so I know people still care, but I hate receiving it. "I have some English reading to finish." I go up the stairs again.

"Samantha, wait. Please." But I'm already shutting my door behind me.

I collapse on my bed in tears.

What is wrong with you?

I wonder what my mother means when she says I'm not my "normal self". I try and think pre-Devin, but my interests are still the same, my wardrobe hasn't changed, and I am still-

What about this voice?

Huh, I never really noticed that I started being more panicky over the last couple months. Surely it's just because I'm under so much pressure to make not only myself happy, but Devin, as well. Or it's just a coincidence that I'm experiencing hormones or something around the same time we started dating. It can't be Devin's fault, it's mine. It's always mine.

Everything is your fault.

My phone lights up:
Devin <3 7:59pm
iMessage

I immediately turn the screen off. I don't want to deal with anyone right now.

But it's Devin. You need him. Remember?

I feel like crying, but I don't know why.

Maybe because you're a disappointment.

I come to the conclusion that it's ridiculous to try and ignore Devin. He's already texted two additional times, like he can read my thoughts.

Devin <3:
Baby I thought you looked great
I'm sorry you had a bad day
Also I'm sorry if I seemed upset earlier, but you need to trust me

I feel like Devin isn't telling the whole truth, but instead of giving into the voice in my head, demanding to know why Devin is still with me, I choose to make him happy.

I text back:
It's okay, my bad. I just get all flustered around you :3 you're the best Dev

Devin <3:
No, you