Déjà Vu - A Connie/Jacob Fanfiction

Chapter 21

"Come on Connie, you need to push," the nurse, Nurse Daniels, was saying. "Miss Chase, please, you know how this works."

"I can't, I can't," she cried, sweat dripping from her brow and her hands fisted tightly into the mattress in an attempt to suppress the pain. It wasn't working.

"Connie, I can only just see the head, you need to push."

"I can't goddamn breathe, let alone push - aaargh!" It was a painful childbirth, and Connie was given breathing apparatus to aid her so that she could focus her efforts on pushing her baby out. Connie wanted Jacob, so badly, but she couldn't tell him about this. She had had no contact with him for eight and half months; she couldn't just phone him up now and tell him she was having his baby. She thought about what he would say to her if he was here, and she let out a small chuckle as she imagined how he'd awkwardly let her hold his hand, while saying something along the lines of, 'It's alright Miss, you'll be fine. Just a bit further to go,' and Connie would know that he had no idea how much further she had left to go, but he would be trying to calm her and she would be appreciative of that fact. She thought about the way he'd wince as she squeezed on his hand, but he wouldn't outwardly complain once because he would be looking out for her all the time, because that's the sort of selfless person he was. She didn't realise how well she'd been doing until Nurse Daniels said the words that she'd been waiting to hear for what felt like a lifetime; "One last push." With a final push, Connie screamed one last time until she heard the soft cries of her baby, who was wrapped in a towel and passed across to Connie. The umbilical cord was cut, and the baby was taken from Connie to be washed whilst she cleaned herself up, and the dirty sheets were removed, and then she was allowed to hold her precious son again. A photo was taken and the photo came out of the bottom of the camera, so Connie took it gratefully, smiling at how happy she looked. She had another one taken, just so she had two that were practically identical, and spent the next hour or so with her little boy.

"Miss Chase." Connie was approached by her nurse, Anya Daniels, a couple of hours after the delivery, and Connie knew instantly what she was going to say.

"Please, just a few more minutes," Connie begged, looking down at her sons face.

"Connie, please. The longer you spend bonding with him, the harder it will be to let him go, and you know you're not in a position to keep him." Connie nodded slowly, knowing that this was the agreement she had made to prevent her son from having to go into care, but it certainly wasn't an easy decision. About twenty seconds passed and Connie made no attempt to pass her son over.
"Connie, I told you, I can give you money. However much you want, I'll get it to you. Please," she begged.

"Do you think I want your money? I'm not selling my son!" Connie snapped. "I just want a couple more minutes! That's something that money can't buy."

"Connie, it's not healthy. Please, just hand him over to me. I promise, I'll take great care of him. I promise you, you can have updates whenever you'd like. I'll send pictures in the post. I'll do whatever you want but please Connie, just give him to me." Connie knew she had made this agreement, and she knew it was going to be hard, but she had severely underestimated just how hard it was. She found that giving him away was more painful than the childbirth was, and that had - without any doubt - been the most painful experience of her life. She kissed her baby's forehead and stroked her finger across his light brown skin, whispering a soft goodbye, then reluctantly passed him over to Anya. He began to gurgle, and as he left Connie's arms completely and Anya began to talk to him, he instantly burst out crying, which caused Connie to get upset too.

"See, he knows. He wants to be with his mother, please. Just give him back to me." Tears were streaming down Connie's face as she reached over the edge of the bed. She would have gotten out and taken her baby back, but the sides were up and so she was restricted in how far she could move.
"I'll take care of him. Please Anya, I love him. I love him more than I ever thought I would. Anya, he's my son. He's the last part of his father I can still hold onto, and please, you can't take that away from me."

"I'm sorry Connie, but I didn't take anything away - you gave him away." Anya rocked him back and forth in her arms but the loud crying didn't cease - from Connie nor the baby.

"I'll give up everything Anya, I beg you. I'll give up on being a surgeon and I'll just stay at the level I am at now. I'm earning enough to provide a good life for him. Please Anya, there's plenty of babies who are taken away from bad mothers that you could adopt. Mine doesn't need to leave me. He wants his mother - listen to him!" Anya shook her head as she rocked the baby, shushing him trying to calm him down. Connie didn't realise that, by making this agreement with Anya, she had given her the same hope that Connie had herself. That love that she felt for her son was felt by Anya towards the young boy too, as she had waited all her life for a child and Connie had given her that opportunity. Anya had been excited for the birth, and had spent so much time preparing for having a child. Connie just didn't realise that. She just wanted her son. 

"No, Connie, you've signed an agreement with me and you can't go back on that. If you do, then know that in a Court of Law, you'd be the unstable mother who gave away her son believing it was the best thing for his welfare. How can they argue with a mother's instinct? You were right Connie, he's better off with me." Connie couldn't argue - she had signed an agreement, and if she had to try to take Anya to court, that agreement would be the only thing that they'd need to give her full, legal custody of her baby boy. Anya reached over with one hand to take one of the photos from Connie's bedside table, and she looked at it, smiling.
"Do you mind if I take one of these?" Anya asked softly. "You can see your face clearly in this picture - I'll keep it safe, and I promise, I will tell him. He'll always know about you, and the reasons why you chose to give him up. I'll give him this photo, so you both have one. You'll never forget him Connie, and don't worry, he'll always know you."

"No," Connie shook her head. "He'll grow up to hate me. Don't tell him. As far as he's concerned, you're his mother." They were the most difficult words for Connie to say, and she hated herself instantly for saying them. She knew that Anya wasn't going to let her have her son now, so she just had to accept it, as difficult as it was.

"Connie, I'll make sure he doesn't hate you. I promise you, you'll be the surgeon mam that he brags about to all his friends. Your memory will inspire him - he'll never hate you." The baby had finally stopped crying, and Connie had no choice but to accept that she was never going to see her baby boy again. Anya didn't want to make it anymore difficult for her, but that didn't stop Connie from just breaking down into tears as she watched Anya take her baby out of the doors to her private hospital room, and carry him off somewhere. Connie sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. Ever since she was a child, she had always longed to be a surgeon. She was now twenty eight and her dream was well within reach, and she was prepared to give it all up. All the work she'd done, she was prepared to give up for that beautiful little boy. She thought briefly to what Jacob would say if he ever found out. He'd hate her: completely detest her. She sobbed even louder, screaming and crying to herself, because nobody was coming to help her. Everyone had left her, and now she was truly alone.