Oblivious Hearts (Phan)

(Part Two) Chapter Thirty Six

"It is part of the cure to wish to be cured."

Seneca - Phaedra

Wednesday 18th February

All I can remember is running and fucking and laughing and blood. I don't remember who's blood, I don't remember what happened at all. I think I remember someone dying. I don't know who died. Did I kill someone?

Did I die?!

No, no I'm not dead. How can I be dead if I'm writing this?

There was soft brown hair and a sweet laugh, is it my laugh? I'm not sure. I think it's the one with brown hair that ended up dead. I think someone told me about that before. There's a name, I know there's a name but I can't quite remember it.

Cold. There was lots of cold air. Scratch. There was pain, I think scratches. Soft... I remember soft fingers and... Lips? Soft lips...

I don't know why I'm in here. But it's a small room, with colourless walls, floor, ceiling, furniture...

There is no temperature really. It's not warm, it's not cold, it just is.

I'm writing on a desk, well I'm writing on paper but the paper is on the desk. My ears crackle sometimes and there's no music.

I just wish for someone to talk to me. Even wh-

When people talk there is no noise from their mouths. My ears crackle with the absence of noise. There is no music. I can turn the radio on in the room if I open the door on the floor and jump through to stand on its ceiling. That radio is so LOUD BUT I still can't hear it why is that? Why is this silence so loud and screeches in my ears but it doesn't screech in my ears because there is no sound. I don't understand why but it's true it's like there was someone who made my body feel safe but now my sides are empty and I can't feel anything but the emptiness even when I have those grey blue no yellow no grey clothes on it's just empty and cold but not cold because there is no weather does that make sense no I don't think it does but I can't feel it either way why does it feel empty to me I feel empty why? Who is that boy with the brown hair BOY yes boy not girl is that a memory maybe I cant remember what having a memory feels like or do I but I cant remember it as being a memory because I cant remember it. Mmmm soft brown hair so soft and smooth I want to push my fingers through it oh I can smell the sweet woody scent yes I like that oh it tugs at something in the back of my mind it makes me smile why is this why does it make me smile I cant remember. It's a happy smell and like honey but I cant remem- oh a smile oh teeth and pink lips mmmm soft pink lips oh they're on my neck yes I remember this I REMEMBER THIS. Oh brown eyes with golden flecks that sparkle in the SUN YES I REMEMBER THIS. My tongue is tingly with the weight of a name what name what name what name is this on my tongue it used to have such a home here but now it's returned with a different set of feet to set up camp and refuse to talk but taunt me and my sieve brainnnnn DAN YES DAN I REMEMBER THIS.

Wednesday 11th March

I don't know why I am here. I don't know what happened to... Him... I am not allowed to watch the news so I can't tell if someone has found him yet... I miss him. Regret.

He is safe though...

Sunday 15th March

I don't trust them. I think they know. So I won't talk. The others are... So quiet but they NEVER SHUT UP. Everyone here is fucked up and I hate them all. But they hated me first I know that.

Friday 27th March

I'm getting tired of wearing this white dress all the time. It's thin and ugly and I have to wear ugly brown cardigans if I am cold.

Saturday 28th March

Did I tell you they took my piercings?

Saturday 11th April

THE PERSON IN THE ROOM NEXT DOOR IS SO LOUD IF I SEE THEM I AM GOING TO SLIT THEIR THRO

...

Oh God. What have I done?

Thursday 16th April

I think they put microphones in my food so that when I eat it they can hear my thoughts. They want to know who I am and what happened to me. But I won't tell them.

Wednesday 29th April

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I was sedated and fed 'nutrients' through a drip because I wasn't eating.

Saturday 9th May

I saw DAN TODaY I SWEAR I DID but when I Went To help HIM LiKE I'd DONE BeforE TTHey sedated me agaaaaaaaaain and now I'M HERE AGAIN AND HE'S NOT SAFE LIKE HE WA

Wait... How is he here? Why is he here? I thought I SAVED HIM BEFORE

Monday 11th May

It wasn't Dan.

Tuesday 19th May

...

Friday 22nd May

I think I'll talk now.

Wednesday 15th July

I know it's been a while. I don't think I can really remember what happened that night anymore.

Friday 17th July

I read somewhere that sometimes memories and dreams and wishes can get muddled up after a traumatic event and now I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.

Wednesday 22nd July

I had a dream about lying on a beach at night with a boy... It was Dan... I could feel the sand under my palms, the small grains so delicate under my fingertips. I could taste the salty air on my tongue as we watched the candles floating on the still water with the bright moon reflected on the surface...

Friday 31st July

I think they're going to let me out soon, if I keep up my good behavior and pass all the tests. I'm going to miss some of these people, the patients mainly.

Friday 21st August

It's my last night here so I thought I'd tell you my plans for the other side. I'm going to travel to all the places Dan and I wanted to go together. I'm going to find those caves lit up by fireflies, the beaches that are hot after the sun's gone down, the dusty roads with abandoned houses, the mountains that are higher than the clouds and the sea that is clearer than crystal. Dan is in my heart and always will be so we're going to go together.

Hi everyone, it's been such a long time since I last posted. I've had the idea for Part Two since I started writing the last few chapters of Part One. Please bare with me whilst I try to wrap my head around how to best write the next few chapters (including this one.) I know this doesn't seem like a great piece of writing but hopefully the reasons it's so choppy are clear. If not, then welcome to this characters brain, he also has no idea what's going on.

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it. I've missed writing and talking to you all so much!

T x

@/benefluffcumberpuff on instagram