Ascendant

Twenty Seven

I sit in my bedroom and Dr. Hayes pays me a visit; coming in after only knocking for a second. He glances around the room before taking a seat on the bed. He stares at me with tired eyes and to avoid looking I stare at his greying hair.

"Time to talk real talk Damien. No bull shitting around it like we usually do."

I scoff and finally look him in the eyes, "If it's about earlier--"

"This isn't the first time you've punished yourself. I told you then and I'm telling you again. You don't get to harm yourse-"

I cut him off, "I didn't harm myself! You know I don't fucking harm myself. I know when to stop. I know when it's gone too far. I stopped, I don't want to kill myself for fucks sake."

"You've tried once."

"I was drunk and those pills you gave me fucked with my mind. You know if I was of sound mind I never would have tried anything like that. Stop trying to make me out to be this psychopath. I knew what I was doing this morning. I was okay and I am okay."

"Do you know how long you were in the shower?"

"No..."

"We have it on tape. Not you in the shower but how long you had the shower running. Do I need to go watch the tapes?"

"No okay just....Dr. Hayes I wasn't going to put myself in any real danger."

"Why do that to yourself at all."

"I don't know why? I -I deserved it. I needed to know why I chose -"

"Cold?" I shiver, feeling the cold water run down my spine. "You've done this before. Punish yourself, for things before." He says.

"I remember no need to remind me."

He huffs out an exasperated breath, "Damien...do you realize that you have a pattern?" I say nothing as he goes on to say, "You've hurt someone else so you punish yourself. Do you remember what you did after you hurt the girl in that...what was it?"

"The fantasy factory." I but in.

"Exactly, the fantasy factory. Do you remember what you did to yourself then?"

The girl was crying I couldn't seem to comfort her. I couldn't touch her. I couldn't do anything for her. I did that to her, I was the cause of that. I watch her hold herself I could see the mark of my hands on her throat. I could see the bite marks of my teeth all along her skin. But what I did to her was far more worse than all of that. I hadn't just fucked her I fisted her. I called myself pleasuring her until I couldn't control myself.

The guard escorted me out of the building and told me never to come back. I was banned from there and only the next day did I realize what happened. After adding a finger and another and another. I heard her scream and then she started to cry it wasn't fun for her anymore. I had ruined that for her.

I punched my hand into a wall until I broke my first three fingers.

I drop my head in shame, "So if you see this to be some sort of pattern what the hell do you think I should do?"

"I think you need to start by figuring out why you punish yourself this way."

"Why else, my fucking dad."

He reclines back in his chair waiting for me to continue. I could think of a number of reasons why my father is to blame. He's fucked me up in so many ways, especially when I did something wrong. He even punished me when he made me do what I did to my friend, my first crush.

"When he forced you to have sex with your friend were you punished?"

"After Theresa yelled at the both of us she left because she had to take---you know this part."