I went outside, slamming the screen door behind me. The chill in the air didn't even register. The others had winked and giggled, hinting at Dan's whereabouts. I'd pretended to be amused as well, but inside I was cold, drained from my efforts to deny my feelings. There was an empty space in
my chest, a scooped-out cavity where nothing remained. I couldn't muster any anger, or jealousy, or sadness, or anything. There was only a sense of loss.
I'd had crushes on straight boys before, of course. During high school, I was in love with a boy named Colin, who never found out. In university I had a crush on a boy in my dorm, who kissed me and then never spoke to me again, save, "It was just an experiment to see if I'm gay."
But this... this was different. Dan was different.
Would this be the rest of my life? Just watching Dan going on dates, kissing girls, bringing them home, eventually marrying someone else? I kicked the step, immediately regretting it, as the concrete was hard and my foot was rather brittle.
"Ow," I muttered. "Ow."
At least the physical pain helped distract me from the emotional. Wow, I really was becoming a cliché, wasn't I?
The clouds settled around the house, misting me with droplets. It was a miserable night for everybody, it seemed.
"Are you okay, Phil?"
I jumped, turning quickly. "Who—oh, hey Chris. Yeah, I'm fine."
He snorted. "No, you're not."
I sighed heavily, my breath billowing out in front of me, white and foggy in the cold night air.
"How do you do it, Chris?"
His shoe scuffed against the wet grass. "It's hard. Really hard, some days. He's... he's everything I want, everything I need. My best friend, my confidant, my support. I love him, more than I'm supposed to, and he doesn't feel the same way, and it hurts. But... I stay. I stay because if I left I'd be ruined."
"And you're not ruined now?"
Chris bit his lip. "Not yet."
"God, Chris—" I looked away from him, from the man I feared I'd soon become. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Why are you?" he shot back, suddenly defensive. "We're in the same position, you and me, and I don't see you doing anything about it."
"Dan's my best friend!"
"PJ's mine!"
We stood there for a moment, breathing heavily and trying not to escalate the situation. I wasn't angry at him, not really. I was angrier at myself, at Dan, even though I knew it was illogical to blame him for—for anything.
"I'm sorry," I relented, pinching the bridge of my nose with two fingers.
Chris nodded, swallowing his tears down. "Me too." He exhaled, opening his clenched fists and relaxing his shoulders. "Just... good luck, mate."
"Yeah, same to you."
An understanding seemed to pass between us, a mutual bond connecting us through the foggy night. He left me with a clap on the shoulder and the gradual lightening of the sky.
...
I eventually went back inside to our room when I physically couldn't move my hands anymore. I opened the doorknob and immediately froze, my insides clenching and twisting and aching. Dan and Gabrielle were sat on his air mattress, talking quietly. I watched, immobile, while she inched closer and put a hand on his. His shoulders went stiff. I couldn't see their faces, but the
body language was pretty clear, at least to me. Luckily, they were both fully clothed, or else I don't know how I would have taken it. I wanted to leave so desperately, but my legs didn't move, even though I was screaming at them to.
"Dan..." I heard her say. "Stop denying it. I know you feel it too."
He half-laughed, looking down at his hands. "Is it that obvious?"
My stomach hurt and my eyes burned. I hated her I hated her I hated her.
"Yeah, but it's kind of adorable, I have to say. Strong feelings are hard to hide, and you wear your heart on your sleeve. I've known you for two days, and I can see that much. I mean, Dan... You have the sappiest heart eyes I've ever seen."
I heard Dan's giggle. "I suppose I do." He sighed. "I've just... I've never felt like this before. It's hard to deal with, you know?"
She squeezed his hand, and a pang went through me. "I understand. I've been in love before, and it took a lot out of me. But this... I think this'll be good for you. You deserve this."
He nodded, tension melting off his shoulders. I couldn't take more of this, and I cleared my throat before I'd even made the conscious decision to do something.
Both jumped, turning around with startled faces. Dan took a deep breath, closing his eyes.
"Hey, guys!" My voice was horrible, two octaves higher than my normal tone and heartily, disgustingly chipper. "Hope I wasn't interrupting anything."
"Hello, Phil." Gabrielle smiled at me, looking terribly knowing, smug, like her dark eyes were probing the depths of my soul and discovering my deepest secrets.
"Well, I suppose I can leave, if you guys want some privacy..." I trailed off, fighting to keep the sour expression off of my face.
Gabrielle glanced at Dan, who shrugged. "It's getting late, and I'm pretty tired."
"Okay." Gabrielle opened her arms, and I tried not to seethe as Dan stepped willingly into them for a long, lingering goodnight hug. She whispered something in his ear that I strained to catch, but couldn't.
"Bye, Elle."
"Bye!"
She left with quick smile and gentle wave. I wanted to like her, I genuinely did; but I just couldn't.
"She's great, isn't she?" asked Dan, grinning at me and hopping into his bed.
I made some noncommittal sound in response and clambered under the covers, relishing the warm blankets over my freezing skin.
"I mean," Dan continued, "She understands, you know? About a lot of things. It's like—I don't know, like an instant bond or something. Kind of what you and I have, but different, obviously."
He was completely oblivious, rambling on without any thought to the train that had just slammed into me, pulverizing to bits any shred of happiness I'd ever felt in my entire life.
"I'm going to sleep," I muttered, and dove under the covers, hoping he couldn't see my face crumple.
"Night, Phil." Dan turned over and exhaled, making little sounds of contentment as he snuggled into the mattress.
Hot tears began to slip down my face, and I prayed he couldn't hear me as I tried to stifle my hitching breath.
It was hard. It was so hard. He was right there and I couldn't have him, couldn't hold him while he slept, couldn't kiss him, couldn't tell him "I love you."
It was so easy to love him, so easy to want him. But love needs to be reciprocated to have a happy ending. Unrequited love... it was a train running off the tracks, a flood rising with no end in sight.
And I knew... I knew I would never get a happy ending as long as I loved Dan.
