A Rush of Blood to the Head

Chapter 20

You may never know this. You may never see me again. You may never have me by your side anymore. But remember. I'll always be there. In your memories. In your thoughts, In your heart. Soon, after all this is over, you may forget me. But I don't mind.

I don't mind.

                                                   ..............................

Dear Jonny, 

First of all I wanna apologise. I wanna apologise for everything I ever put you through. Every wrong thing I ever did. I wanna apologise for hurting you. I am sorry. I didn't mean to. I don't expect you to forgive me, but you should know that I had no control over it. If I could have been able to lock all my feelings in a box and throw it out in the sea, believe me, I would have. If I could have been able to erase this part of me, just forget it all, I would have. But I couldn't Jonny. I couldn't. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. It breaks my heart to think that I lost you Jon. I am sorry. I hope that you will understand. 

I don't know just how to thank you for everything, you've ever done for me. For all these years you've been by my side, no matter what I did. Whenever I'd stumble and fall, you'd lift me up. Whenever the weight of the world threatened to crush me, you'd be there to hold me and guide the way. You'd always be there for me, when no one else would. You'd be my rock. You still are my rock, Jon. You are the reason, my heart is still beating. You always held a special place in my heart.

Till you took over all of it.

I sure cannot explain why you never lost hope in me. You never let go of me. You were always with me, by my side, even if the whole world around me was falling apart. You never left me. 

You helped me face the world.

Remember that time we first met? It was back in 1996, I think. Guy had passed out and me and Will had to carry him to his dorm room. Soon after that I had got hold of the long curly mop, and I had been running down the corridors. Many of those young blokes from science had joined me, I think and we had been running at top speed, before a certain unassuming green eyed bloke had appeared in the hallway, holding a guitar, and we had to brake so hard that I ended up breaking the mop into two. And there you were there, absolutely aghast, surprised, and scared at the same time. In a moment we sped past you, and you were left staring at us with a very puzzled expression. You must have thought that I was some wacko, who had escaped from Dartmoor, or a mental hospital or something. After my performance with the mop, I had decided to go find you and introduce myself, but you had disappeared. It was only when I went to the large hall to get my guitar, I had found you. You were standing there, in all your glory, staring at my guitar. And that's how we met. I am not sure whether you remember or not, but you had said that my performance with the mop was great. And I, being the stubborn twat I am, had practically forced you to jam with me, Will and Guy. So much so that you had no other option than to agree. I must say that I don't regret pushing you, not in the least, because you had turned out to be the best player. Had I not forced you that day, I don't think that we wouldn't ever be able to become what we are now. Without you Coldplay wouldn't have been Coldplay. 

From the very start I had felt that we had a connection. Something that I didn't have with the other guys. Or with many of my siblings for that matter. I don't think I can say the same for you, but, I always had that feeling that I could communicate with you on some level that no one could perceive. Except for us. We understood each other so well. We used to finish each other's sentences, half the time. Within a few years I started admiring you so much, Jay that I looked up to you for any decision I ever made. You should know that cause I used to nag the hell out of you with hundreds of nonsensical questions. You used to answer everything with real patience though. You never got angry. I am serious. Eighteen years of my life, I have known you and I saw you getting angry and losing control only thrice. And I was the reason behind only one of them. You sure do know how to keep your cool. I don't know how you do that, Jon, but you manage to pull it off so convincingly that your whole world might be falling apart, and no one would know. You have no idea, the amount of time it took me to understand you. To pick up the signs that you might be breaking inside. And still you manage to fool me. Everyday, every hour, every second. You are quite the actor, Jon.