Inside My Mind

11. The List

As you might have guessed, it begins with her. The girl that I loved. The girl that I kissed. The girl with a boyfriend. Always, always with a boyfriend. Her.

But, we'd talked about this. We agreed to this. We wanted this... Right? And, the relationship she was in at the time was long distance. She somehow got him to agree to let her have a relationship of different sorts, with me.

We began to experiment. Kissing and biting and lingerie and breasts. We had toys. And, I was surprised to find she was dominant. This was not so in our friendship, I always took the lead. But, not in this case. She was the dominant one here. Instructing me what to do, how to move, hold this, touch that... I was never allowed to perform on her, she always performed on me, or I was instructed to hold toys her her as she would help herself. This aspect of our friendship-relationship-whatevership didn't last long, as I'm sure you've guessed. She wasn't into it, I was tiring of it, and she was moving in with said boyfriend.

So... It stopped. Not that it stopped my feelings for her. I wanted to marry her. I actually went ring shopping at one point. She visited me. For Halloween. Something had changed. I didn't feel quite the same. I loved her, but I couldn't see us together, for life. Married. No. I told her though, what I had been thinking. To my surprise, she wasn't mad. Or freaked out. She was calm, flattered even. She asked to see the rings I was looking into buying. I showed her. She gasped at them, seeing I had remembered what she liked. The styles she pointed out to me some time ago. She complimented me on my selections. I blushed. She also asked what might I have planned for a wedding? I wanted it to be for her. I imagined a place filled with white roses, and Japanese cherry blossoms. I imagined her bridesmaids dressed in red, green, and blue. one for each of the fairy godmothers that Princess Aurora had in Sleeping Beauty. And, she herself, would be in a beautiful, whimsical bridal gown fit for a princess. She smiled at the thought. Still, we agreed, it wasn't for us.

The second person, was a co-worker I met one day, at an assignment. Our time together was quick. And, well, rather boring. I went to his house, and he wanted to get straight to it. So, she dropped his pants, and I began to blow him. He tasted of cheap weed. He then rolled on a condom and undressed me. I couldn't feel him. I told him to go harder, and faster, because I was quickly losing interest. He finished. I still was underwhelmed. He asked if I'd had a nice time, I lied and said I had. Our "friendship didn't last long after that. And, that was fine with me.

The next didn't happen for awhile. I haven't had many partners in total, but each was very different from each other and the experiences were all different.

The next one I met online. I now refer to him as "The Choker" Who, as you might have guessed had a choking fetish. He choked me repeatedly, then informing me if he did too much more, he might've caused brain damage. So, to my relief, he stopped. He then, wanted me to blow smoke in his mouth, and then, blow him. So, I did. That was the only time I was with him. And, soon after, I stopped talking to him.

The next, I have to say, was my favorite play partner, my favorite experience of this list. She was a pet. No, she wasn't my pet. She messaged me one day on the site we met on. She had asked he owner for permission to start a partnership with me. He allowed it. So it began. We saw each other only a few times, but, the few times we did? IT. WAS EXPLOSIVE. She was good. She bit, sucked, licked and fingered me over the edge. One of our visits, she made me cum so hard I actually stiffened up and couldn't move. She had to get me into the hot tub after that. But, it didn't take long for her owner to get jealous and try to insert himself into the situation. When I wouldn't agree to let him get involved, he demanded she stop seeing me, so, she did. I still miss her sometimes...

Then, there was him. Yeah. Him. The neighbor. A week after the roommate moved out, he was at my house insisting I come back to his house with him so we could "finish what we started". I agreed to. This particular partnership lasted 7 months. And, it was good. For awhile... But towards the end, I felt more like a toy than I did a play partner.

Our last time was after a smoke and a cuddle. I almost fell asleep, but he caught my attention. We got to it. Kissing and undressing, prepping. I suspected he wasn't wearing a condom. He finished with me, and sent me home. I spent the next month and a half stressing out believing he just may have gotten me pregnant.

I lost control. I didn't take good care of myself. I still drank, I still smoked, I didn't sleep well. By the time I tested, it was quite possibly too late? To be honest, I don't know what a miscarriage is supposed to feel like. I tested negative, then found out I was on my period. It was a BIG period. And it hurt a lot. I started to wonder, was it more than just a period?

I think back on that experience now, counting back the months, and thinking about what I would've done had I had to Do something. Would I march over to his place, demanding he fix it? Would I actually have the baby? With him? Forever being tied to him whether I was happy or not?

The baby would have been 2 months old now. But, I don't thing it would have been fair to keep it. We weren't ready. And, I didn't love him.

Maybe someone else... Some other time... If ever...

Update: The more I've read and thought about it,  I really do feel that was the case.  I believe it was a miscarriage.

And as strange and horrible as this may sound,  I'm not broken up about it.  It would've changed my whole life.  Who knows what is be like now,  or if I would've met my girl. And,  God-  I love her! She's amazing.  There's not enough words to describe how great she is. I can't imagine a life without her,  really.  I like my life and the possibilities it holds right now.  I am glad that I'm not tied forever to someone I don't love or want to be with.

But,  yes.  I feel strange having that thought now.  Figuring what it  was, and knowing I'm not the same.  But maybe that's for the better. 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/home/ovc-20213664