Inside My Mind

12. And Then I met Him

Remember my friend in the rain? The one that saved me in Middle School? The one who was by my side after my mom died? He's also the one who took it upon himself to keep me social.

About once a month or once every other month sometimes, he would make be dress up and to downtown with him to socialize. If it wasn't for him, I would've been a total homebody.

So, as per usual, one night he calls me saying he's almost off his shift at work and I should get dressed, we were going out that night. He then informed me that he was bringing a friend from work with him. This, did not make me happy. I didn't like having other people added to our outings.

They came to my house. At my door stood my friend, and an oddly familiar looking total stranger. He looked like one of my mom's old friends, and I was confused at this. I didn't think much of him at the time. But, he got invited again to our next outing. This is when it started to get interesting. This guy had been through some really crappy relationships. and some bad breakups.

The second time he went out with us, he shifted his attention off of other girls, and onto me. We exchanged numbers and texted everyday.

Now, let me tell you about the night he came over, by himself. He came to my house after work one night and I cooked dinner. We drank wine, and talked. We got kinda buzzed in the time it took me to cook dinner, we were talking about something... I'm not even sure what. And, my A.D.D. kicked in. To my surprise though, he didn't get mad. He took my hands and told me to look at him. So, I did. He said, "I know it's really hard for you to right now- but I need you to focus." I tried to fight it a little. But then agreed to just pay attention.

Later that night, he fell asleep on my bed. I hadn't set his up yet, and he just kinda went out. Well, I set his up, dragged it next to mine and lifted him onto it. I then covered him in blankets. We'd had fun that night. Talking, and for whatever reason, visiting the bathroom together, at one point during that bathroom visit, he said something to which my response was "Oh! Bite me." He took me literally, and bit me on the butt. I liked it, so I told him to do it again. He did. I couldn't sleep. So, after listening to music on youtube, I watched him.

I at some point had to go to the bathroom again. I went alone this time, as he was sleeping. I came back to him seeming restless and distressed. He was mumbling in his sleep. I got back in bed. I gently ran my fingers through his hair, and I shushed him... gently. In this time, my eyes had adjusted to the lack of light in the room. I could see him now. He smiled, mirrored my shush, and then let out a little snore. And, God help me... I fell in love with the boy.

The last time I saw him was on his birthday. I made it as special as I possibly could. I bought him a "Birthday Boy" pin, a cake, wine... We went downtown that night to celebrate his birthday. I moved a week later. We still texted everyday. It was like an unofficial long distance relationship, I kid you not. Everything seemed to become about him.

I was lonely, wishing he could be with me. Fall asleep next to me, wake up next to me. We'd talk and make plans about a dream house with pets and a music room and a home gym. He lectured me on going back to school and bettering myself.

In my mind, a playlist was building of songs that reminded me of him. Some optimistic and romantic. Some, sad and defeated- depending on what was happening with us at the time. I'd play these songs on repeat on each device I would use. Songs like, "We Don't Believe What's On TV", "St Patrick" "End Of All Things"... Other times it was songs like "Ghost", "Eyelids", or "You & I"...

But, then, after he told me I wasn't what he wanted, the playlist changed. The hope I'd been clinging onto for dear life, was gone. I couldn't listen to the hopeful songs anymore. Now, I listened to a whole new playlist. The songs I had played before had love, and passion, and a little fear. I should have listened more to that fear. Now, I felt as the physical embodiment of "Prove Me Wrong".

I feel the sadness and hopelessness creep in as the I play "House Of Memories", I still play Eyelids, The lyrics ring in my ears and hurt. 'Baby we built this house, on memories...' I think of the time we spent together, the talks we'd have the kisses we shared, the secrets we told. 'Memories turned into daydreams'.

When we talked about my feelings, my anxiety had been through the roof, and I had already had an anxiety attack over him, but I'll tell you about that later. I cried and shook while he tried to get me to talk to him about what was going on with me . I couldn't find the words. And I was so scared. I had good reason. He confirmed my fears, saying I wasn't for him. I didn't excite him, he didn't want to be with me. I soon figured out why.

He is only interested in what I call "Insta-fam(s)". He wants to just step in, say "Daddy's home..." And be like the hero. Well, I don't have a child. So, he can't do that with me. 'I was a fool...'

At first I begged him to stay friends with me thinking I couldn't live without him. He shouldn't have. He should have run. It would have been better. I actually needed that more. He didn't. He stayed. 'Promise me a place, in your house of memories...' I needed him to leave though, even if I didn't want to believe it. It hurt more for him to stick around.

He tries to talk to me, and I can hardly bring myself to respond. I don't want to let him in. I can't. I know he doesn't understand, but, I need to have distance, and silence now.

I need to embrace the loneliness.

It's not so bad.