Inside My Mind

54. Shattering Epiphanies

I have been talking to and flirting with this one girl for awhile now, probably since May or June. And I just now realized something. And it's something that I've learned about previous suitors and its shattered my whole view of them before and I realized again that I really need to stop running away from this very simple fact... You ready?

I have realized (again) that nobody got me like myself and I need to stop looking for somebody to have me. Let me explain. It seems like every time I come across an opportunity for a new relationship, I'm looking to see how they handle things and if they'd be able to pick up the slack if something happened and I couldn't do everything I usually do. And you know what I find? There's so few that can actually do that or even handle that. And, it's honestly infuriating!

This girl, I talked to her about a simple task. Grocery shopping. And she is still acting like a kid about it. She doesn't know how to budget. She doesn't think about sales. She doesn't even bother buying real food! She just buys snacks and ramen and calls it a day! I couldn't believe it! I tried to convince her how easy it is to shop well, and she was having none of it. So, I excused myself and had a bit of an anxiety attack. I then said to her that I wished her luck, and that I could no longer speak of the topic with her.

It felt to me like the episode of 'How I Met Your Mother' when everybody started realizing these awful habits and facts about their significant others, and that sound of shattering glass went off in their heads and they had to decide if they were okay with that or if they needed to move on and find someone better suited.

Right now, I'm at a crossroads. I really feel right now, knowing that they can't be me, when I'm not me (i.e. sick or unstable), really makes me feel like we are not compatible. And I need to just be single or strive to find someone more like me. Who's got this. And can do the grocery shopping and keep the house clean, and everyone fed well. I need a partner. Not another responsibility. And it's surprisingly hard to find that... Apparently... 

I've also realized that this very simple fact of necessity is what attracted me so much to a couple of major people in my recent history. My friend whom I immediately crushed on when I first saw her, but decided then and there that we were friends only because she was out of my league; and I really rather needed a friend instead, because I was hopelessly lonely at the time.  And the other being my now ex, whom I still love and my heart still bleeds for. These two people I know could handle a household in my absence. They already knew exactly how to handle things, probably better than I even know how to. And that's breath taking how admirable something like that is. Seeing how well someone can handle day-to-day responsibilities so seamlessly. And observing their quick handling of situations most can't grasp or deal with these days (I'm talking housework and jobs, people!) it can be quite mesmerizing. These are the people you can really build a home and a life with, and I'm sad that someone as great as that isn't mine.