Inside My Mind

13. Those Days

There are days I walk around on the verge of tears, I can't breathe, I have to tell myself every 30 seconds I'm okay and to keep moving. On those days, it's like at any moment, anything could shatter my fragile glass bubble. And sometimes, they do.

On the worst of those days, I can't be around other people, and I hope they understand- it's nothing against them... Something is wrong with me, and I can't deal with anything, or anyone else. I need to be alone.

So, on those days, I lock myself in the room. It used to be, when we still lived there, that I'd lock myself in her room. Where she slept. Where she died. I would spend all day in there. Lay there. Listen to music. Sing along. Cry a lot. And, try with every fiber of my being to disappear into the very bed I was laying on. I didn't want to be anymore.

These days though, I don't really have a room or a lock. I mean, there's the bathroom... But, that's for anxiety attacks. That's different. (Yes, I know what I just said.) It's dark sometimes. My views have changed, my life has changed.

I can't help being different now. I feel different. I am different. It's been 2 years now, today. And it hasn't been easy getting to the place I've gotten to. I had help.

I'm so grateful for the support I've had over the past 2 years. I can't thank anyone enough.

I still really miss her though. I still need her.