Inside My Mind

26. I'm Fine. (The Context Of The Most Common, Basic Lie We All Tell).

I want to start off this chapter by thanking the page 'TOP lyrics' for making the lyric video for "Fall Away" featured above the title of this chapter. Thank you!

Think about how many times a day you greet someone or talk to people. What do you usually say? Hello, of course. But also things like How are you? Or How has your week/weekend been? etc. Right? And what do you usually say? That's right. You say you're fine. Or it was fine. How often is that the truth? Well, I may not be able to speak for everyone, but I know some of you will identify when I say for me, a lot of times, it is a lie. A simple, but blatant lie. Most, if not every day.

Why though? Because no one wants to dive that deep, you don't want to stand there and try to explain yourself to them, so it's easier this way. Am I right? And it works. You say it enough, you might actually believe it for a little while. Until you come back face to face with it when everyone else is gone. And it's now you, and the problem be it depression, or anxiety, or family issues, or another home issue, or you are going through grief or a major life crisis (which really doesn't need an age limit, it just happens)... You have to deal with it when you don't have that smile plastered on and you aren't lying through your teeth, but rather it's eating away at you, and keeps you awake. (Thanks Canal de Glamguese for the video below for "Underneath"!)

And being that you face it every night, staring it right in the eye while it taunts you and robs you of your much needed sleep, you feel worse the next day, right? So you have to be more convincing of the lie, and it becomes bigger, and bolder. And some days, you just don't want to do it, so you mutter an "Eh." Or an "I'm tired." And you hope they just leave it at that. Please just leave it at that! But, sometimes they don't.  So you have to in the simplest of terms explain why you aren't that stellar, shiny liar you usually are and hope they don't ask any other questions after that or make that face like they are concerned for you. Don't do it! 

And on your worst days, when you can barely breathe, and you want nothing more than to be in bed... Alone... Those are the toughest days to try to sell the lie. You know you don't look "Fine." You know that when you are spacing out or talking to yourself that they can see you're not fine but they try to pretend they don't notice. So, now they are lying too. You also know you can't just excuse yourself and barricade yourself in a bathroom or supply room or office to be alone- so you wait. And, the hours drag on, and you feel worse and finally when it comes to an end, you can't wait to get to your bed again and finally be alone and (you hope) asleep. 

You exit the building, you take a deep gasping breath of air and it takes everything in you not to cry right then and there. You feel a sense of freedom in that moment, and you are so grateful. You rush to get home, strip yourself of the day's outfit throw on your pajamas, and thud. There you are. On the bed. You've been waiting for this all day. You fade in and out of a nap. It might not be the most restful, but it's better than nothing. Eventually, you have to leave the comfort of the dark, quiet room. You decide that maybe you should eat, or read or something. 

So, you wander out there, look around, scrounge for something that might inspire you to eat- but you don't find it. Because you aren't motivated to eat, and nothing sounds good. You go try sitting in the common room. The tv seems so loud, and the lights seem too bright... You excuse yourself to the bathroom. You sit in there. Just sit. Yes, it is still too bright in there, but at least it's quiet. You find something to do. Wash your face or brush your teeth, but eventually, you have to leave there. Now what?

You try to find something you want to do. You scroll through your phone. Nope. Try watching the very loud tv. Nope. Anything else? Nope. You go back to the room. And you sit. By yourself. And it's peaceful. No expectations. No lies. No excess noise or chatter to go along with your own brain static. It's quiet. And you like it. 

Sometimes, someone asks you- why do you spend so much time alone? And you know from the way they asked, and the way they look at you, that they are taking it personally. And really, they don't need to. It's nothing against them. It's that you can't muster the energy to socialize, or pretend right now. And, you know they won't understand that, unless they too have felt it. 

I guess that's the hard part though. It's the fact that they don't understand it, because they don't feel it. And you can't quite explain it to them. So, you are just aloof and unsociable in their eyes.  

Another way that lie is used, online. You go online and you know everyone can see what you're posting, and re-whatevering blah, blah, blah. But, when they ask you what's up you freeze up. You laugh it off yo them and lie that you're fine. You hope that you won't cry and that they won't push further because they know better, they can see what you were just thinking on their timeline. 

You wonder, if you tell them how you really feel... If you tell them how broken down and defeated you feel, or that you'd like to disappear or die or something, how would they view you? What kind of questions would they ask? Would they just say meds and therapy? Or might they actually help you?  Maybe they have felt it too. Maybe they have gotten through it and can bring you through it too. 

But, there's hesitation. You have that fear and doubt. Should you try? What if it scares them away? They didn't sign on to listen to my problems, did they? They aren't my IRL friends, oh, yeah. I don't even tell those friends... Maybe I should tell somebody... Maybe they do care. (No don't! Don't tell them! They don't actually care!) But, what if they do? I'm gonna do it. <clicks send> ... Now, you wait.  

Much to your surprise, they pop up again a moment later with a response. No, it's not epic and no it doesn't exactly solve all your issues- but you feel a little relieved that they aren't repulsed by your plight. You continue talking. You start thinking of everything that's wrong and how you want it to all go away and you start to panic- and... They can sense it. 

They acknowledge the anxiety/panic. You confirm it and you think- here it comes, they're going to leave... A new message comes in. They calmly tell you to breathe. deeply and count while you breathe. They ask you if you can do something else with (or for) them. You ask what that is. They'll say something like imagine a certain scene that calms you, or think of your favorite (something). Or they'll use the 5-senses method (aka the 5,4,3,2,1 method). These things are likely to work. Why? Because they give you something else to focus on, while also, keeping you aware of your surroundings and kind of resets your body to breathing more like normal and feeling more relaxed. They ask how you feel, and while you aren't 100%, you do feel better. SO, you say so. And you thank them. And they offer to do that anytime for you. If you want to talk, or you need help calming down, to message them. You hope they mean it.