It was Different (Daisuga- Haikyuu Fanfiction)

Chapter 10

 To have everlasting sorrows and open seams, but also you;
How happy I would be to smile and say, "It was for the best..."
Everything before me seems to blur and dissolve;
A flood of miracles wouldn't be enough...
Because you called my name...
Is it all right if I call your name?

-Aine Kuraine [Eine Kleine]; Kenshi Yonezu [English Translation]

The past couple days had been heavily cloudy. A storm was coming.

It perfectly matched everything Sugawara was feeling.

Things never really got any easier over time, though they had fallen back into regular routine. Daichi could stand coming to class and properly focusing, but his mind was always thinking about Sugawara, if he would ever open up, if they would ever be together.

The same went for Sugawara. He was constantly at conflict with himself. He was still too scared of taking that next step, he had no idea how it would go. He thought, perhaps it was for the best, he wouldn't have to be a burden to Daichi. He would be safe, and live out his own life, the life that had so much potential and happiness waiting ahead.

That was only one reason he was hesitant.

Honestly, he was simply too ashamed, too scared, and too self-hating. He was ashamed of revealing all the horrible things from his past, all the things that had put him to shame time and time again, broke him down further and further. He was too scared that he would get confirmation that Daichi hated him, and if that happened...If Daichi ended up hating him...

He was too scared to relive such dangerous and scarring memories. He hated them too much, along with himself. He hated how he was never strong, how he could never do anything, how he let everything hit him so much to the point where he just could not break out of this fear cycle, that he could never take the first step.

He was ashamed that he was that weak as well. He didn't want Daichi to know just how spineless and pathetic a person he was, especially when Daichi thought so highly of him in the moment.

He tried his best not to dwell on it, to not even consider doing so. He wanted to let Daichi live his life, be his own person who wasn't weighed down by him, who didn't have to deal with this trivial responsibility that was Sugawara. And perhaps they did get together. Daichi would still have to deal with this secret relationship, which it in itself was a huge strain.

He thought of himself as worthless, that his only use in the world was to teach, an even so, how many of these students would even remember his name in 10 years' time? Would he even have impacted their lives in any significant way?

Despite that, it was something he had such a huge passion for, and he would continue to feel tied to teaching, obligated to do something he loved. If he couldn't show his love to the person he felt for, he would at least give himself some worth by teaching young minds, and in some way, try to guide them towards a good path in their future, regardless of how well or poor they did in the class.

This, however, was something Daichi never understood. He could never see why someone as marvelous as Sugawara could ever feel like he was a burden, that he didn't deserve love. Daichi thought Sugawara deserved more love than any other. Daichi wanted to love him and shower him with affection, he wanted to force the pain to disappear. That's why he could never bring himself to think, what on earth happened to such a sweet and strong person, that broke him down that much? The way he cried that night... people don't cry so fiercely unless something agonizing happened to them. Learning how much pain and conflict was constantly flowing through Sugawara made him back track and analyse everything between them so much more.

Every time Sugawara smiled, was that him putting on a façade? Was he only smiling to hide the darkness that sat within him? Every time they talked, somehow it happened that Daichi would be the one to fill the room with words, while Sugawara added commentary, whether it be caring or funny. He always seemed to keep the conversation on Daichi and never himself.