Void

nine

Adira could not breath, it felt as if someone had wrapped their hands around her neck, choking her. Her heart was speeding but noone could hear. She wished to curl up as a ball and want to roll but unfortunately her tear drops were doing summersaults on her cheeks. The dark negative thoughts were asking shadow on the empty road. The scars were screaming fr the top layer of the skin but everyone was too deaf to hear.

The little girl in the lonely world was standing near the basin in her bathroom, it was quite and only the sound of dripping water from the leaked tap onto the semi-wet floor was hearable. The thumping of water was making an melancholic tune. She glanced at her reflection in mirror; her eyes red, cheeks wet and lips dry. She touched the blade with her long fingers which she had put near the basin tap.

The adrenaline flew under her pale flesh like minerals do in Himalayan rivers but the only difference was that those minerals make farmers and other natives happy but the the adrenaline rush made her feel void. Every single muscle wanted to scream out loud but their voice was so soft to hear. So, in her teen years she discovered a microphone; blades and knives. Those feelings had completely paralysed her brain and her actions were proof. There was a time in her life where she used to express the feeling in right way but we cannot go on like that, right? We change!

She could feel the rush of blood in her veins and arteries. Her heart was beating fast as she grabbed the blade and with enough force she ventured the cutting instrument into her human flesh in the name of dead father, in the name of bullying at school, in the name of bad mother, in the name of loneliness, in the name of not-so-good grades. Those actions felt so similar to her and her skin. The burning sensation was felt in her thighs where the cuts were made and somehow she always felt pleasure while doing it. She watched with relief as how the blade got deeper into her skin, tearing it and the blood rushing out escaping to breath as if. Rolling and flowing over her thighs like rain drops on glass window or more correctly how her tears were rolling down on her cheeks right now.

The steady flowing of red blood filled with so many cells released her feelings and diverted the mental pressure. The science says when mental pain becomes too much to handle you release them through your eyes in the form of pearl like tears. Similarly when you voluntarily or involuntarily cause physical injury the skin cries and vomit shining red fluid. The blood which was coming out of her skin appeared like a thick chain of Ruby stones holding and connecting each other which was naturally manufactured by the human skin like mine. Those Ruby stones were always praised by her as it looked more aesthetic and intriguing than those canvas paintings which hung on the plain white wall of some art museum.

Adira's vision started blurring as the blade made deeper and deeper cuts. It seemed like someone has set her body in the flames of fire. More blood rushed in thick layers. The blades made her crazy but her soul free and light. She liked tasting the kiss of death. She was a black color in the shimmering colourful world. Her blood started becoming more thick and dark as the consequences of her acts.

Finally after a long time, the battle between her fingers holding the blade and her thighs covering themselves with a thin sheet of body hair, the war came to an end and her thighs looked no nicer than the slaughterhouse. The blade fell on the floor making a thin voice after its encounter. She slowly sat on the floor taking the support of the wall and took her face in the hands and started weeping too weak to clean those wounds. But somehow she managed to push her body up and forced herself to clean those thighs and the next moment she was already wearing the leggings, ready to go to cafe to meet Danny.

The way to there was horrible her monsters kept on talking to her, teasing her and laughing at her. The atmosphere outside was beautiful but all Adira could see were blotted black ink on the road, in sky, near the trees and covering the honking cars. She wanted to clear the fog of her thoughts which was making her crazy but was helpless so she thought that guiding her soul to the cafe without making her mind crap would be a bright idea.

Taking small-dull steps she finally made it to the designated place; the cafe where Danny was waiting for her. He had rested his hands on his chin in a very bored manner and tapping the other fingers of his hand into a music which was not clear from the distance Adi was standing. She faked a smile and rushed towards him.

She hugged him from behind and he tried to absorb the feelings as she wrapped her waxed hands around his shoulders. Soon she took a seat, opposite to him and ordered their respective drinks. Both of them were coffee addict and that cafe was their favourite rendezvous.

He took a look at her, in a good way though. The shining-afternoon sun looked too bright in her losing eyes. He had devoted a good amount of life to not to cry in front of people. So, he knew what Adira was doing that moment. She was clenching her teeth and occasionally biting her lips making them go more pale. She was looking up just avoiding the contact of eyes because they say that your eyes are gateway to your soul. She was mentally telling her not to cry because she would make Danny sad and worried. She always thought that she was a 'Sadness crumpled ball' in people's life, especially his. She was running her hands on her harmed thighs to itch away the burning sensation. He knew, he observed what was she up to.

He flashed his crooked smile. "What's wrong Adi?"

"Nothing," She shrugged still comforting the burning sense. Both of them knew what it meant and Danny was smart enough to catch lies, her lies. He got up and brought his chair adjacent to her, the world hung in the second for a while. "Y'know my mum says that humans have soul and I believe in talking with them not with the body who knows to hide the truth beneath the skin," He sincerely admitted.

"It is just..!" She could not complete her sentence. He looked at her, hope she would spill out her feelings which is killing her inner self. Her eyes had lost the shine. Maybe if the space inside her was filled with love and respect then the void space would not be filled with negative thoughts. Beyond all the wilderness where the stars shun fathoming constellations, she was there fighting with the demons. She still couldn't finish the sentence.

And meanwhile the waiter came with balancing two drinks on the brown tray and served them with a smile he had taught to put when around customers. Isn't it ridiculous that we need to fake ourselves to attract people? Hah, very!

The pair took the drink in their hands and he suggested ,"You're at a war with your brain amd you need to get out of it!" His voice was sincere and eyes on her. She smiled a bit ,"True! Very true. I'm at war with myself."

He nodded as he took another sip of the coffee and blessing his soul with the bitter beverage yet sweet. He placed it back on the table and the coffee danced inside the cup as his hands left the cup on the hard table.

"What am I at war? With my brain, right? My brain is me, my thoughts are me. They are made up of me. They are truly mine. To be honest Danny it's a civil war with a predetermined winner."

"Adi," He said. He could not say anything. So they finished the coffee in silence and paid the bill.

They were walking their way back to homes. The only voice which was filling their ears were of traffic and the crunching sound of dries leaved under the shoes as they took steps. The silence was killing Danny. He wanted to ask. Ask all those queries which bothered her. He didn't want to listen to the traffic noise nor the children shouting. He wanted to darken all those stupid noises with her words.

She was like a fragment chipped off the edge of universe but without home, without a light to guide her and call her back from the black way. She was almost like a lost wanderer in the walls she used to call home and was ready to be a refugee anywhere but that home.

He told himself to ask the questions now or never!

"Why do you do this?" Danny asked as he ran his fingers through his black hair.

"What?" Adira questioned coldly still avoiding the eye contact with her friend, only friend.

"Killing yourself like this with smoking and harming and all this suicidal shit," this time he pointed towards her wrist which she always used to cover with full sleeved shirt. Adira never knew that Danny would ever notice those cut marks which used to keep her awake in nights but Danny, he had to be observing and absorbing every little information.

Adira shut her eyes tight to blink back the feelings which often used to come in the form of salty water. Danny observed that, of course. She took a deep breath ,"Because, because it is better to burn than fade away."

She left with it, keeping Danny in shock. He didn't know what it meant. He knew however hard he tried to understand her the new enigmas would pose.