Dear Diary...

dear diary... Even Holiday Doesn't help...

I though going away would help, that being out of the country would make it better for even a little while. Funnily enough, it's still there at the back of my mind as if it only happened yesterday.  I don't get it, regardless of what I do its always still there. Always the same thought of maybe some day they will follow through with their threats. I know it's been roughly 4 and at Half years since, I just can't shake the thought of at some point it actually happening. It's funny when people say shit about me cause my normal response is "I've got more death threats than I could possibly count." I think it freaks them out how I'm so chill about it. I had my time of being a scared little bitch about it. Even now while I'm out of the country, it is apart of who I am. And even if I had the chance, I wouldn't change any of it. This whole thing has just made me stringer in so many ways, it's made me more determines than I've ever been before. It's also made me care less and for that I am thankful. Because I care less about everything I also feel happier like I'm more at peace with everything. This is also probably the reason why I'm less scared of thing, I remember the last time I was on holiday and how all the big scary rides made me scream. This time though all I could do is laugh, laugh at how fast they go laugh at other people screaming with not a care in the world. I think that's a normal response when one has been dealt such a shitty hand to play with.

It amazes me so how even after all these years it's still such a huge part of me, as if it only happened yesterday. Even though I know it shouldn't be. It just is, and probably always will be.