April 24th 2012 was the day this all started. 6 and a bit years I've been dealing with this, so many unanswered questions floating around my head "Was I not a good enough friend?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Who else have they done this to" but most importantly "Why me?" It's been just over 6 years and this has always been the main question floating around my head, it's like this burning desire to know the answer to this question yet whenever I try to figure it all out I seem further away than I was before.
I know I shouldn't try, should stop searching for answers that I'll never know. Deep down I know this, I really do yet for whatever reason I'm still trying to grasp for these unknown answers.
Maybe I've been looking at this the wrong way, or maybe I've been looking with my eyes closed. Either way I know I've learnt something these past two weeks, something really important that I wish I'd figured out earlier. These past few weeks has taught me that everyone needs an anchor, either a something or a some one. Apparently I've had one for the past 4 years without even realising it, someone that makes everything feel like it's going to be ok- regardless, someone that makes you feel like you don't need to know the answers to these burning questions in the back of your mind. Someone that calms you by just being in the same room as them.
Not even with my ex fiance did I ever feel 100% comfortable sleeping next to, like deep down I knew that he couldn't help.
Yet around this one person I feel completely comfortable to sleep, completely comfortable to let them see me at my weakest most vulnerable point, something that people dont normally get to see. Not even my ex saw it properly as half the time he just made it worse. it's a strange sensation knowing that just one person can not only calm me but also help keep the night terrors at bay.
This person anchors me to the presant, I don't know how nor do I care. All I know is, that this is something really important something that everyone should try and find regardless of what that anchor might be. Find it and hold onto it, it might just end up being that thing that helps keep you semi sane in a world of madness that slowly falls apart around you. Having an anchor will deffinately help, I promise you that. It might not feel like it at the time but it will maybe it will help you come out of a panic attack, maybe it will help you sleep better, and maybe it will help you differentiate between reality and what you see in your mind.
This might sound like rambles from a mad woman, honestly at this point I don't care. I'm continuing to write this down mainly for me,
KAMU SEDANG MEMBACA
Dear Diary...
NonfiksiHere's the thing.... We all get bullied in some way, shape or form, or we have all seen it and done nothing about it. I would like to be able to say that everything in the upcoming pages is absolute bull, and that I just have a sick twisted mind...
