Dear Diary...

dear diary... Friday the 29th June...

This might be a really weird thing to talk about, but because I've already mentioned how bad my night terrors are I'm gonna talk about it anyways..

Honestly, I had been feeling off all week having these really weird dreams- not necessarily bad, just weird..
I called in sick for work, I've been doing that a lot lately and honestly I dont care I hate my job these days. They dont really care about me, so why should I really care about my job?
Anyways this night was particularly bad, the night terror I had was something worse than I had ever experianced. I could feel everything- the smell of blood in the air, I could feel the hand around my neck, the sound of rain on a tin roof. And worst of all, i could see the defining features that make me who I am. This horrible night terror (well something worse) that i was being strangled, strangled to the point of losing all consciousness. I woke up the first time with a slightly stiff neck. Now is the time to say that someone came to stay this Friday night, and I'm seriously glad they did. I could still move my neck. Went back to sleep, had this exact same night terror. This time however, when I woke I was being physically restrained. I think the sound of scratching may have woken him up, I'm not entirely sure why or when he woke I'm just lucky he did. By this part about 1/4 of my neck was raw skin, swollen and bruised and I could hardly move it.
I hate to think what would've happened if I didnt have someone there who already knew what my night terrors are like, if he hadn't restrained me as he did, I seriously think I would've ended up in hospital that night. It's been 6 years, and this is that first time I've attacked my neck, or done that much damage to myself. I can only imagine what it was like for him, considering I had no idea on what had happened until he filled me in when I had calmed down and made sure I hadn't seriously damaged my neck-there might be something that he isnt telling me about this episode, and that's ok with me... in 6 years this is the first time I've set an alarm to only be asleep an hour or 90minutes at a time. Far too scared to get into that deep sleep cycle without someone there...

I bring this up because it's really important to have people you trust to talk about this sort of thing, I cannot Express how grateful I am for the things people do for me..

I also bring this up, because the following night at work I almost punched someone, and then later on threatened to punch a manager. People are so quick to judge on physical appearances, yet they never stop to think what might be the actual reason someone acts or talks a certain way. I was basically told that I was a complete slut and must be a really good time if my neck was looking like it did. By this point, I had probably only had 5hrs sleep since waking g up on Thursday, and I was in no mood for peoples quick judgements, I was so ashamed and hated not being able to hide under my hood. Those words that this Male said to me, hurt more than I could've thought. It made me angsty and I thought that everyone was going to be looking at my neck with either pity or worry, and I knew I wouldnt be able to handle that either.. 

So this is what I challenge you... stop and think before you so quickly openly judge someone, think about how you would feel about if someone did something like that to you.. yes I know we are all humans and I know we are meant to learn from mistakes, you dont just bully someone by accident (unless that person is a delicate little petal) I challenge you to stop and think before you speak. Mainly though, I challenge you to rise above the people trying to drag you down- you'll feel much better if you manage that :)