Dear Diary...

Dear diary... On the edge of insanity ...

I think it was a few chapters back where I said things had been going pretty well for me, I guess I lied. Ever since that incident in June my mind has been all over the place, and has been dancing on the edge of a really high cliff. Sometimes I think I've fell off that cliff-top and other times I think that I'm genially doing well. For those that actually know me, know that I pride myself for being honest and for those that are getting to know me through here or any other stories that I write.. I need to be honest about why I havnt been writing much- well at all lately.. I wouldnt even call it writers block, more or less the state of mind that I'm in as everything that I do write I just think feels really forced and awkward. I dont want to be the sort of author that writes because everyone is telling me i should be, writing (however bad) has always been a release for me, that's also why so many of my stories have really dark themes to them... i feel like my writing lately has just been shocking, so much so that I dont want to share it with anyone let alone re read what I've written.
I hate feeling like this, like nothing is going my way or that nothing is good enough or that my mind is just everywhere and anywhere..
So in saying all of that, I've made the decision to go back to councilling, it wont be at the same place or with the same person ( and honestly, I'm really nervous about that) but I think it will help.
This year was meant to be all about learning how to look after myself again... yet it's already September, and I feel like I'm doing worse off than what I was at the beginning of the year.
The hashtag #ItsOkNotBeOk is trending on Facebook again for mental health awareness, look after yourselves, if you dont do it for anyone else please do it for yourself- you deserve at least that,even if no one else thinks highly of you...

It's been what 6 years now and I still find myself arguing the point of "just get over it already" truth be told, until they get what they deserve I dont think I will ever be able to start healing from this. It still effects my day to day life, and well basically everything that I do... there are some situations where I physically cant do it because of what gets triggered in my mind. I dont think something like this can be "just gotten over"
It's been embedded in my mind, and that's something that I just cant seem to move on from.

At the moment I'm a total mess, I dont even feel like my normal fabulous mess- just a complete and utter mess. None of my thoughts make sense, I cant do simple tasks, too much peopley is really draining.
Is it so selfish to say that all I want is to be genuinely happy? I want to be able to do social settings again, I just want to do. I just want to be me again, as the person I'm becoming I dont particularly like-i dont even know how to be me again....

Please just give me time as I get through this, and I really hope you all stick around... I promise to write again at some point, I just dont know when that will be..
#DancingOnTheEdgeOfACliff