Dear Diary...

Dear Diary... Hypnosis...

I could've added this in the Last part or somewhere else. Anywhere really.. yet I decided against it. Even though it relates closely to what I've previously written. 
In my sleep deprived mind, after writing the last part/chapter whatever you want to call it, I realise that this deserves it's own part as much as everything else I've written about.

A question I've been asked quite a few times now is "why don't you try hypnosis to help with the sleep issues?" And yes, that is a very valid point. I don't quite know how to explain it as it doesn't even make sense in my own mind. I will try my best though.

The first thing that comes to mind is that it seems like such an easy way out. For those of you reading this that actually know me, you will know how head strong and stubborn I am. For those that don't know me, you probably might have guessed that by now. Regardless of how many storied I write, or the places they take me I always come back to this one. Probably that's because it's the easiest to write out of them all.
I'm getting side tracked now. Anyways, hypnosis feels like an easy way out because it's tricking the mind into believing one thing, when it isn't the truth. Yes I know it would help with the whole sleeping thing. Honestly, I don't want help. The sleeping pills I tried made the night terrors worse, what's to say they won't fiddle with other things as well?
I'm still explaining this horribly. So I'll just move on..

The second thing that comes to mind is: what if it changes who I am? In my eyes, essentially I'd have parts of my memory that would just be blank. And I'm not sure I could go through something like that again. Because that's what I'd want, to forget. This is where it ties in with everything else I've been saying, I wouldn't be a survivor if I forgot, And I wouldn't know how I got the scars. To me hypnosis seems too easy. I would rather struggle than pay someone to make me forget.
If I did that, I'd probably go back to who i was before all of this crap happened. Looking back, I don't particularly like who I was then. An absolute pushover who didn't speak up for herself or her friends, I couldn't go back to that. And if I was forced into forgetting I'd habe so many questions.. so many unanswered questions.
If I did that i'd want to forget the whole bloody thing and not just get help so I can sleep better, in my eyes it doesn't work that way.

It might be strange to read this, as I might not have made much sense.. we all make choices in life, some good some you'd rather forget. It is these choices that help make us who we are. I've chosen not to take the easy way out, for me that symbolises that they have won, it also symbolises  that I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. I know for a fact that I am not a weak person, time and time again I've had to prove to everyone exactly how strong I am.