thanatophobia // joshler [✓]

the tradition

it was the following morning. a rather gloomy and overcast morning. pete and dallon managed to move the body, they haven't gotten the okay on whether or not to burn it from brendon.

speaking of whom, he hasn't moved from his place. he was still knelt down next to where ryan was laying. he continued to stare at the dried puddle of blood and did nothing else. and it's been about 5 hours.

nobody slept, they all just stood or walked the street not knowing what to do next. after the letter it was apparent some of them were terrified for what's yet to come.

i was a little ways away from the group, sitting on the concrete and leaving against the outside of any abandoned building. i couldn't get myself to think of anything else. i couldn't ignore the dark red blood stains on my shirt.

was it my fault?

could ryan have been saved if i had just tried harder to save him?

was there anything anyone of us could have done?

these questions don't have a right or writing answer, but they will burn in my mind for as long as i'm still alive.

and even after i'm gone.

i was distracted from my thoughts when i saw pete walk over to me. he gave me a half blank smile before speaking.

"we're about to do our memory circle, you should join us."
"memory circle?"

"it's a tradition we do for the ones we lose from the clique. we gather around in a circle to the place where they took their last breath and we talk about our favorite memory with the person. it's a special time for us to mourn since we can't do a whole lot of that anyway." he further explained.
"oh okay." i nodded in agreement.

pete helped me up and we made our way over to the circle. brendon still didn't move but we were still able to make the circle with him.

everyone sat around together in the circle formation, when tyler joined in. we all looked at each other, well except for brendon. he just remained staring at the dried blood puddle that was stained into the dark grey concrete.

"so who wants to go first?" mel asked the group.
"i'll go first," pete spoke up.

everyone except for brendon turned their attention to pete as he began to think of a memory. he finally thought of one and began to speak.

"it was after mine and his first run. we were searching the abounded plaza area. and i remember he ran into victoria secret screaming 'hold on hold on.' a few minutes later he came out wearing red and black lingerie over his clothes and he tried seducing a mannequin..." pete chuckled a bit at the last 5 words and so did everyone else except for brendon, even tyler cracked a smile.

pete continued, "that's probably my favorite memory coz i remember thinking 'man, this guy is so weird.' when i first saw him. and it just goes to show that i was right. he was weird, but he knew just how to lighten a situation..."

he trailed off a bit but he finished off by looking up at the sky and saying,
"rest easy, bud."

there was silence from the group for a minute or two before tyler out of all people spoke up,
"i'll go next,"

he took a deep breath, "my favorite memory would be when i was having a really shitty day. you know, not like that's everyday already but this day in particular was reallyyyyy shitty. and so ryan comes into my room carrying a broken mini fridge. and before i could tell him to fuck off he opened the mini fridge and there were two six-packs of red bull. and man, did that expired red bull really hit the spot... sorry this happened to you ryan. i might've been rough on you but i did care. and i still do. take it easy up there."

"i have something to say," brendon unexpectedly jumped in, everyone's attention turned to him,

"out of everyone sitting in this fuckin' circle right now, ryan was the only one who didn't have blood on his hands. every single one of you has either killed someone or been responsible for a death in some way. he didn't deserve to die. gerard should've been the one bleeding his guts out last night. not ryan. enough said." he spoke with such aggravation and hurt.

we went silent out of guilt, it was great from everyone's facial expressions. brendon looked at all of us and scoffed as he stood up,

"every single of one of you has blood on your hands from what happened. so don't sit here and tell me that you cared about ryan when all of you are to blame for his death you disrespectful pricks." he spat as he walked away from the group, and into the hideout.

dallon stood up and followed behind him. everyone went pale in the face after what brendon said. tyler looked more enraged than upset, for a reason i now know why. patrick began to cry softly into his knees as he was sitting in a fetal position.

i looked over at tyler who made eye contact with me. i mouthed, "it's not your fault." at him. not only referring to ryan but about jenna too. but he didn't know that part.

he shook his head and stood up, walking away from the group and going into the hideout as well. i followed behind him, wanting to finally talk to him. before he was able to close the door on me i walked into his room and shut the door.

"what the hell do you want, dun?"