How Did We Get Here? ✔️

13. The past

* Trigger warning: this chapter deals with issues such as depression and suicide.*

13. The past

"Hey Cal?"

"Yeah?"

Sky turned her head towards Callen. She was lying on his chest to watch a movie they had picked. Kiera had promised to leave the room for her for the entire day since the weather was awful and they wanted to hang out with each other anyway. It had been three months since they had officially started dating and Sky was falling for him harder and harder every day.

"I never asked you but I keep wondering... where do your scars come from?"

She felt an immediate change in the atmosphere as he gulped and place himself in a seating position, driving her to do the same.

"I um..." He hesitated, rubbing his hand on his wrist, the same place she had seen the thin white, almost invisible, scars.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." She assured, taking his hand in hers. "I was just being nosy."

In the background, the movie was still playing but neither of them was paying attention to it anymore.

"It's kind of hard for me to talk about." Callen started. "I never really told anyone here. Mainly because no one noticed before you cause I always make sure to wear long sleeves."

Sky nodded slightly, encouraging him to go on. She could see on his face that this confession was not an easy one for him.

"Three years ago, I..." He exhaled and looked at the corner of Sky's room. "I tried to kill myself."

Sky really, really didn't expect this to come out of Callen's mouth. She could see he was battling to keep his composure and her entire heart ached for him. She wanted to let him know she was here for him, that he could trust her completely and that she would never judge him but she couldn't find the right words so she just took his hand in hers and let him continue.

"I woke up at the hospital pretty disoriented and it took me a really, really long time to recover from the fact that I was supposed to be dead. I had chosen, I had ..." He stopped to clear his throat and Sky felt tears run down her cheeks. "It was just really hard. I went to therapy every day then three times a week, and now I only go about once every two weeks."

Sky wiped her tears. She really, really had no idea and she bet no one did either. On campus, Callen was known to be such a happy guy, the life of the party, the flirt. Sky could have never imagined he had gone through something so hard.

She thought back to his expression of discomfort when they had been talking about the book Thirteen Reasons Why and the way the word suicide seemed to have an effect on him.

"I was diagnosed with depression a little after I turned fifteen and I really had no idea that it could get so bad that I would want to... end my life but that's what happened. Luckily my brother found me in time though. You know, that day we had our first date when you were sick, I told you it was a weird day for me, that's cause it was the day I tried to... end my life three years ago."

"Fuck Callen I'm so sorry..." Sky's crying just intensified.

"I never told anyone this," Callen whispered, rubbing at his wrist again. "I don't want you to feel like I'm different now or..."

"You can trust me," she assured, placing her palms on both sides of his face to frame it so that he would look into her teary eyes. "You never, ever, have to feel ashamed with me because there is nothing to be ashamed of. You're a survivor. You battled with depression and I will be here with you if you ever have to again."

Callen rubbed his eyes and gulped. Sky knew he was trying to appear unbreakable.

"It comes back. It's not there every day, but at some periods in time, it comes back and I never really realize it's back before it's over. It's a little less horrible than before though since I go to therapy a lot and have medication but it can come back. So I just figured you should know that if I don't come out of bed for days, well, it came back."

"I'll be there for you when it does okay?"

Callen nodded and Sky framed his face again to kiss him. She wanted her kiss to show just how much she cared about him and that he could always talk to her and trust her. She hated that Callen suffered that much but she promised herself he wouldn't have to do it alone ever again.