Heliophilia (camren)

Chapter 5

Chapter 5:
The next few days brought nothing but secretively and a build up of feelings for me. Lauren wouldn't leave my mind, like my shadow she was always with me in someway. Her writing and reading has improved so much since we started and I feel myself growing too attached to the girl. Soft touches and stolen glances were all I could take, and when I felt myself slipping into a pit of emotions I couldn't handle I'd look away. I wished for a day I could sink into her eyes and actually kiss her soft lips I spent nights thinking about but I wouldn't let myself. I knew a girl like her could love me, but she'd love me too well. She's treat me better than I could imagine but I don't deserve it, I'm already tainted enough and ill ruin it one way or another; she's better off without me.
As usual we're seated in the book room, she's writing and I'm watching her. I wonder if she's involved in all this stuff JP and Mac are; the drug dealing and the obvious fighting. She doesn't seem like the kind of person you'd find in the middle of all this.
"What are you thinking about?" She asks me not even looking up from her page. My eyebrows knit together with confusion at her question. "You bite your lip when your thinking" she says and I wonder if I'm that easy to read.
"Do you do all that drug dealing with JP?" I blurt out and I can see her stop writing from the corner of my eye.
"I mean-eh like, you don't seem like the kind of person-and you know, I just, Im worried about you" I stutter out. It was true; I was worried about her. Whenever she wasn't by my side I was concerned, hoping she wasn't mixing in with the men who roamed around our house with scars from fighting and guns in their back pockets. I hoped she kept her head down and didn't speak to them when they'd slur at her. "Thank you...for worrying" she says quietly and I looked at her face to see her staring at our hands which were almost touching, our pinky fingers millimetres away from each other. Slowly her smallest finger moves over mine, and in turn I looped my finger around hers so they're intwined. A spark flew up my hand and into my arm as our skin touched and I felt my hand hum in appreciation of the soft skin I was touching, even if it was just our pinky fingers in contact.
"I don't, I'm not involved with that kind of stuff" she says and I look at her, but she keeps her hands trained on our fingers.
"When we were growing up I tried to stay away from the gang, but it's hard to run away from family" she continues with a sadness stinging her voice and I wonder if she's ever told anyone this.
"Everything in this house was bought with blood money. Every book in this room was probably taken from a house that JP stole, the kitchen was renovated with the money they got off a drug trade in Cuba. Nothing we're living in was earned" she says almost in a whisper, like she's in a daze.
"And I never agreed with this kind of life"
Seeing her open up to me, showing me she's not the same as Mac and JP and everyone else in this house made me fall even harder for her. She never stopped surprising me with how much dept there is to her, how many moods and thoughts and morals make up the fibres of her. I wanted to map it all out, learn it and make it mine. I got the courage from deep down inside me to bring my other two fingers to mesh with hers, causing spark after spark to run over my skin. I loved the way our fingers felt together, how perfectly they fit. How hers weren't tattoo covered and big and rough.
"Do you trust me?" She asks after our three fingers knit together and I nod my head as soon as she asks. With my answer she slowly slid her hand under mine and softly intwined our fingers so we were properly holding hands. A smile spread across my face at her action, how it confirmed I wasn't the only one who wanted this.
"I have to tell you something" she whispers and I turn to face her again. "But not now, later" she says into my ear and I nod my head as my stomach does flips. Her hot breathe hitting the skin of my neck sent shivers down my spine and I never wanted it to end.
"Will you meet me outside at the pool at 11 tonight?" She requests before kissing my earlobe.
"Of course" I whisper back and she kisses my neck softly before pulling back to look into my eyes.
"Im falling for you Camila" she speaks as she stares right into my eyes, her words making me feel like I was about to explode.
"And I think you're unbelievably beautiful, more than you know" she whispers finally before running her nose against mine. In that moment I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to plant my lips on hers and show her with everything in me that she made me feel like I was beautiful, unlike the man I call my boyfriend. The way she touches me, with such a softness I've never felt. But a voice at the back of my head screamed at me; told me I wasn't worth this kind of love. I should be shouted at and touched with a roughness because that's all I'm worth. I'm the daughter of a drug addict who left me, I'm the girlfriend of a criminal who dragged me on his runaway train wreak of a life, I'm the high school drop out and the whore of my town, I didn't deserve her kind of delicate love.
"Will you try reading to me?" I ask, trying to distract myself from the lips that were inches away from mine. I got her to read to me everyday for practise, but mostly because her voice was my favourite thing to listen to. She picked up her book with one hand, the other still intwined with mine, took a deep breath and began to read.