The Definition of Time

Chapter 7

I met you at the corner of forgiveness and trust
you're a reflection of my grandest mistakes and fears
wind whistles through an endless alleyway
the pungent scent of garbage
the darkest shadows prohibit forgetfulness
Don't tempt me.
sweet words turned bitter on my tongue
how long will I sit in the past and wait
I'm stuck in a town of remembrance and regret
I want to take wing and fly to the future
where all I know is that you won't be there.

December 25, 2013

AJ is a bit of a mystery--he's charming and fun, but his warm exterior masks a dark, troubled soul, one that I've known all too well in the last five years that we've been friends.

He sauntered into my life like he saunters into everything--confident, goofy, disarming. He was in my pre-algebra class in 8th grade, and after that, I couldn't seem to get rid of him. With his troubled family and troubled soul, my family and I were his refuge from the storms within and without. I ignored the way he strung girls along and then left them behind like yesterday's refuse. I ignored his addiction to alcohol and drugs. I helped him through depression and suicidal thoughts. For four years of high school, I was his crutch. I kept him alive. I ignored the ways that he thrust himself back into his own depression with self-pity, self-harm, and self-destructive tendencies.

Maybe I liked it. Maybe I liked being needed by someone so deeply.

Then I left.

He still calls sometimes, but I've managed to keep him at arm's length while at Regent. Until now. Now, he's sitting at my dining room table with my family. He's laughing and joking with Grandpa like they're old friends. The weight that lifted while I was at Regent has returned to crush me.

I thought that I'd left him behind, used time and distance to sever us. I thought that by leaving for Regent, he would stay in the past, stay in high school. But he didn't, obviously--here he is, back in my house, just like old times, and I'm too loyal to reject him now.

"Don't hog the gravy, Rachy," Grandpa prods and I jolt alert, passing the gravy boat.

"Sorry, Gramps."

"Doesn't this feel like old times?" AJ exclaims, his smile white against his dark skin.

"It really does! I'm so glad you could visit over the holidays while Rachel's home," my dad responds, grinning at the two of us sitting side by side.

Dad's been trying to hook us up for years, luckily with no success. AJ just laughs and smiles, popping a roll into his mouth. 

"So what's next for you, AJ? Business? Law school?" my mom, always the planner, questions.

Since I've refused to follow in her footsteps by going to business school, she tries to persuade every other eligible high school graduate to, including AJ.

"Now, Mrs. Evans, you know I don't want to go to law school," his teasing familiarity is like an echo from the past, "But I do have an announcement. Next semester, I'm going to Virginia State for a degree in marketing."

My heart stutters to a stop and I freeze halfway through a bite of roast beef. Virginia State is only a little over an hour from me, and AJ knows that. Part of me is angry that he'll be so nearby, but part of me likes the idea of being his stabilizer again, his best friend. This conflict inside me is why I've never truly been able to sunder him from my life.

My dad, ever helpful, chimes in, "That's so close to Rachel!"

"Yes, sir! I'll keep an eye on her for you," he winks my direction and I grimace.