The Definition of Time

Chapter 30

Today I found relics of a time gone by
Pictures of you and I
In one picture,
I'm looking at you like you put the sun in the sky
In the other, you're touching my waist and laughingly grinning at me
Perhaps that's the metaphor I've been searching for
No one has ever looked at me like you did
And I never looked at anyone like I looked at you
But we were never looking at each other at the same time.  

October 12, 2014

I don't know which is more exhilarating, falling through the air or falling for Josh.

Josh and I are chimes being played by the wind; as we collide, we are tinkling laughter and lighthearted joy. When we finally slow on the zipline and approach the exit platform, my chest is aching from laughing so hard. I never would have thought that flying through the air at body-crushing speeds would bring me joy. I was with Josh, however, and that always makes me happy.

As an instructor removes my harness and I step out of it, I stumble into Josh, still dizzy from the hair-rising descent. I collide with him, and he catches me, still laughing. I fall against his chest, feeling his heartbeat for a moment before I right myself with the help of Josh's steadying hands.

When I finally manage to stand upright without assistance, I'm beaming from ear to ear. I grin at Josh, unable to contain just how happy I am, just how happy he makes me.

"See, that wasn't so bad," he murmurs, his hand still on my arm steadying me.

My face flushes. "That was...terrifying. But also totally incredible."

"You just had to stop thinking and let go," Josh says, his eyes glowing with intensity.

His words hit me with gravity, and a chill echoes down my spine. Unbeknownst to him, I let go a long time ago. I let go of my commitment to controlling my emotions, to cautiously choosing who I love, to falling slowly instead of all at once. I let go when I met Josh; I started to fall, and I still haven't stopped.

"Rachel! You actually did it?" Jordan's voice is shocked, and I break Josh's gaze to turn to her.

I turn to Jordan, drawing in a breath. "And I survived, believe it or not."

She laughs and playfully punches me in the arm. "Judging by how red your face is right now, I'm guessing you must have even enjoyed it."

I grin, face still flushed.

"Anyone else starving?" Luis walks up and asks, and I notice how he casually stands close enough to Jordan that their arms touch.

A few of the others join the conversation, echoing their agreement. Unfortunately, the exhilaration of the fall is wearing off leaving me with a rolling stomach so I have no appetite, but I follow the rest of the pack as we head to the main lodge to grab lunch at the cafe. As we walk, Josh falls in beside me and glances at me, worry tinging his gaze. 

He squints at me and asks, "You really had fun, right? I mean, you didn't have to do it for me."

I muster a smile. "No, that was actually a blast. I wouldn't have tried it if you hadn't convinced me I wasn't going to fall to my death."

His shoulders sag in relief. "Good. I didn't think you could fake a smile like that," he adds, and I feel my face flush. 

When I smile at him, really smile from ear to ear, does he know? Does he know that I'm smiling because of him?

"It was fun, I swear. I'm not sure I want to go again any time soon, but you were right. I would have regretted it if I hadn't tried." My eyes fall to the ground, but I slowly raise my gaze back to him.