The Definition of Time

Chapter 53

her watercolors are blue
just like his eyes

today I found paintings
that she drew of him
and i still recognize his eyes glaring at me
from her watercolor portrait
she knew his middle name too.
i don't know why that bothers me so much
maybe it's because i've tried to dehumanize her
to hate the girl who took him
but she knows him.
and i still miss him
and i can see that she loved him too
she loved him too.

May 21, 2015

I feel as if I have become an automaton, going through the motions everyday with no direction or purpose. Darkness and loss settle on me, and slowly they become familiar friends. I throw myself into school for the last two weeks, writing some of the best papers I've ever written. I avoid going anywhere in public, eating my meals at odd hours of the day to avoid running into Josh. I wonder if he's doing the same thing because I haven't seen any sign of him. I want to see him, I crave him, but I also don't think I'm strong enough to face him.

A month or so ago, Chloe asked me to cover the Reinhold Exhibit. Knowing that Sierra will be there, Chloe offered to cover the story herself, but I said I'd do it. Weirdly enough, I feel a strange camaraderie with Sierra. She didn't deserve to be treated so badly, and she was kinder to me than I might have been in her shoes. 

So I'm going to the Reinhold Center. The senior art pieces that were accepted will be on display all week, but tonight is the special viewing for faculty. I force myself into a fancy dress and heels, and I try to use enough concealer to hide the dark patches under my eyes. My face looks more haggard than usual, my cheeks drawn and eyes hollow.

Despite it being so close to summer, the evening air has a slight nip that seems fitting. The Center is bustling with pretentious adults and hipster college students standing aloofly in front of their best pieces. I grab a press pass and wander through the room, snapping pictures of the more intriguing pieces to describe later. Though I'll cover the entire exhibit, I want to share the story of one piece that really stands out.

Even though I've only talked to Sierra twice, I recognize her artwork instantly. She has five pieces on display, but the one that catches my eye is a blue and green watercolor. I see the outline of one side of a face with severe blue eyes and a sharp, wideset jaw; the other side is blended into a mixture of blues and greens. I would know that face anywhere. Josh.

I don't know how, but she managed to capture his very essence in this picture. There's a wild intensity to the curve of his jaw and the glare of his eyes that almost takes my breath away. I feel as if he is staring into my soul.

"This is one of my favorite pieces." Sierra's sonorous voice breaks me from my trance.

My eyes remain engrossed with the picture. "You...you've captured him perfectly. I recognized him right away."

I glance at Sierra, and she has a soft smile on her lips. "I'm not surprised. You loved him."

I blink back the tears that spring to my eyes from her kind words. "So did you." I pause and then continue, "You know I had no idea, right? I...I'm sorry."

Sierra smiles again and reaches out to touch my arm. "It's okay. It wasn't your fault that he hurt me."

Neither of us have anything else to say, but I remain transfixed. I glance over the rest of her work; she has a few ceramics and another watercolor. This watercolor is absolutely breathtaking. A man's breath is showering a black and white girl in a rainbow of wind, sending her hair flying and colors washing over her. I somehow know that this is also Josh.

"That's exactly what happened with him...with us," I stutter, gesticulating to the painting.

Sierra smiles sadly, and I recognize tears brimming in her black eyes. "There's something about him that just breathes life into you. Nothing ever feels the same again."