The Definition of Time

Chapter 21

Today I found relics of a time gone by
Pictures of you and I
In one picture,
I'm looking at you like you put the sun in the sky
In the other, you're revolving around me like the moon
No one has ever looked at me like you did
And I never looked at anyone like I looked at you
But the tragedy is
We were never looking at each other at the same time.

September 2, 2014

"So, dish," Jordan says, popping a strawberry in her mouth.

"About what?" I answer in faux ignorance.

Usually I like that Jordan knows me so well, but today I'm wishing she was a little more oblivious.

"Collin, Josh. Everything. Your life is like a Lifetime movie and I love it," she adds, elbowing me and causing my chai tea to slosh over the sides of my elephant mug.

"Collin's coming to visit in a week," I answer, a grin spreading across my face. "He has a game an hour or two away, but he's borrowing his coach's car and coming to visit for a night."

"Ooo, he's staying overnight?" Jordan asks, eyebrows wiggling suggestively.

My face reddens. "Not like that. He's staying in a hotel." When she makes a face, I clarify, "By himself."

"So you two must be getting pretty serious if he's coming to visit."

"We're not that serious," I answer, twisting the string of my teabag and avoiding her gaze.

"I thought this was just a summer fling? I mean, I know he's hot and all, but..."

"I thought it was too. But now," I hesitate, drawing in a breath, "I don't know."

"So you're over Josh?" Jordan clarifies.

My eyes fly to hers, and I know I can't lie to her. How can I be over Josh? Every time I see him, love songs play a symphony in my chest.

"Well, that's a no," she snorts. "You look like a starry eyed teenager. So you're not over Josh, but you're still dating Collin?"

I sigh in exasperation, "What am I supposed to do? Josh has never told me how he feels. For all I know, he just sees me as a friend. I mean, he dated Haley for months and ignored me. What should I do, sit around and pine for him in hopes that he'll eventually start liking me?"

"For the record, Josh doesn't treat you like a friend. I've never seen two friends who look at each other the way you guys do. After everything with Haley last year, it's different. Trust me, I spend an inordinate amount of time with the two of you." She rolls her eyes.

I try to suppress the overwhelming wave of hope that suddenly threatens to overtake me. Is there hope for Josh and me?

"So if Josh asked you out, would you end things with Collin?"

"Yes."

My heart answers before my mind can say anything. I would do just about anything, give up almost everything, for a chance with Josh.

Jordan frowns. "Then why are you treating Collin like a placeholder?"

I try to ignore the guilt that seeps into me, tracing the crevices of my mind and lacing my blood with remorse. This is the realization I've been trying to ignore. If there were no Josh, maybe Collin and I would work, but with Josh, how can I love anyone else?

"Jordan," I finally say, my voice tremulous, "do you believe in fate? That people are meant to be?"

"Nope. I'm a scientist; I know better. Fate is a myth that deceives people into waiting around for something that won't really last."