The Definition of Time

Chapter 22

If I graphed our story
I'd want it to be a helix
in which you'd finally
come back to me

but no.
we were intersecting lines
and now all we do
is travel farther
and farther
and farther
away from each other
never to cross again.

September 8, 2014

I linger outside of the cafeteria, wrapping my thin cardigan closer around me to ward off the light winds that hint of fall. Jordan is away for the weekend in the mountains tracking some sort of reptile with her advisor, Snotty Rodney, and a few fellow students; she's pretty bummed she's not going to be able to meet Collin when he visits tomorrow. In the mean time, I'm having dinner with Josh. We haven't really spoken since he found out about Collin.

I hate the conflcit raging inside of me. I love Josh; I like Collin. Is it wrong to destroy the good thing I have with Collin for the possibility of an ever greater thing with Josh? Is it right to keep dating Collin when I don't love him? Maybe I could, if Josh weren't here. But he is. He's here and when I'm around him, everything else disappears into faded shadows.

And Collin. I thought I could date him casually, enjoy our summer fling, and let go when the time came. Now, however, as I face the realization that perhaps I should break up with him, I don't want to let go. I am selfish for wanting them both. I can acknowledge my greed, but I'm afraid to make a choice between them because I'm afraid it'll be the wrong one. What if I make a mistake? What if I break up with Collin when we're meant to fall in love? What if the excitement I feel with him is love or the beginnings of it? Or what if I stay with Collin and destroy my chances with Josh?

Maybe there's no right answer. Maybe this isn't a black and white choice. However, if I continue dating Collin, will I only hurt him more by pretending that I could feel something for him that I already feel for someone else?

I'm so caught up in my own thoughts and watching the wispy clouds draw spirals in the sky above me that I don't see Josh approaching me until he's only a few feet away.

"Hey, Rach," he says and meets my eyes for the first time since he found out about Collin; they scream with turmoil. "I know that look. What are you thinking about?"

He always knows when I'm caught up in thought, but today I can't tell him the truth. I shake my head and try to smile.

"Nothing. Ready for dinner?"

We fill our trays with the delicacies the cafeteria has to offer and find our seats. I inhale deeply, working up my courage.

  "So...I wanted to apologize," I say, my face already warming.  

He looks up at me, his eyes cooling to grayish sapphire. "For what?"

"I should have told you I was dating Collin. I...I don't know why I didn't, but I'm sorry."

I don't know why I feel the need to apologize, but I saw the look on his face. He shouldn't have found out that way. Deafening silence falls, filled with all of the words neither of us have said. I wonder if he can hear the unsaid words lingering between us.

"It's okay, Rach. I'm sorry I wasn't more excited for you. It's just..." Josh hesitates and our eyes lock. "Is he...does he make you happy?"

I pause and catch my breath. Does Collin make me happy? I am happy with him. It's the not the same kind of happiness that I feel with Josh, but I'm happy nonetheless.

"Yeah. Yeah, he does."

Josh nods and looks away for a moment, clearing his throat. "And does he...is he good to you? Is he a decent guy?"