The Definition of Time

Chapter 26

Bad things are supposed to happen in darkness.
we always associate the night with hurt, pain, death
We think of winter–the cold, washing us in darkness
Deepest death is said to come in December
but all of the bad things that have ever happened to me
they occurred in the light.
In an abandoned parking lot in August,
when we hugged goodbye and promised to stay the same

but neither of us expected anything to remain

Under a tree in March
when I realized you were the type of hypocrite
who could lie about the words "I love you"
By a creek in May
when I realized I'd been wrong all along
and my best friend betrayed me.
The sun was shining.
It was summertime. 
The sun has always tasted like death
and winter and the darkness are my consolation
- my preparation - 
for summer's twisted grief.

September 9, 2014

Twenty minutes of soul-searching and debilitating guilt later, I see Josh's familiar red pick-up pulling into the parking lot. I've managed to stop crying, and I've attempted to wipe my face clean though I'm sure I've only smeared whatever is left of the makeup I put on before Collin's and my date. Josh speeds into the parking spot next to me and jumps out, his eyes wild with concern. I stand to my feet quickly, my entire body yearning to fall into his arms. He walks over to me, his crystal eyes assessing me carefully. I'm sure he's taking in my wrinkled dress and stained face and trying to understand.

"Rach...what happened?" His voice is worried and his brows furrow in concern.

I struggle to raise my trembling chin to look into his eyes. "I...I ended things. With Collin. We fought, and...and he was mad, so he left."

"He left you here?" Josh glances around angrily. "Are you sure you're okay?" He reaches out and touches my upper arm. "Did he hurt you?"

I think back to the way he was glaring at me, his eyes ablaze, and the sound of his fist colliding with the side of his car. He didn't hurt me, but part of me wonders if he could have.

"No. I'm...I'm okay." I look down again, ashamed of how pitiful I must appear to him.

Josh's hold on my arm doesn't waiver, and when I look back up at him, the look of compassion in his eyes melts me. He pulls my arm gently towards him, and I fall into his embrace. I bury my head in his chest and find brief comfort. The feeling I get with his arms around me affirms that I made the right decision ending things with Collin even though it brought so much pain to us both. This risk is worth sacrifice.

He keeps his arm around my shoulder and ushers me to the truck, murmuring, "C'mon, let's get you home."

I slide into the passenger seat and buckle my seatbelt then wrap my arms around myself. The chill of evening has just started to set in, and my bare arms are covered in goosebumps. Without saying anything, Josh removes his jacket and offers it to me. I accept it gratefully and wrap myself up, letting it swallow me. As we drive back to school, silence falls softly in the truck. Josh in typical style says little, but it's not his words that have drawn me to him. It's everything he does--driving late at night to pick up my shattered pieces from a restaurant parking lot--that has me falling for him.

We don't speak for miles until I finally mumble, "Have you ever done something you regret? Something you wished you could undo?"

He glances at me before returning his gaze to the road. "Sure. I have a few regrets. I'm guessing you do too after tonight?" I bite my lip and nod as he continues, "Want to know my biggest regret?"

I turn so I'm facing him and examine his features carefully. His eyes are on the road but his jaw is clenched. I've never really thought of Josh as someone who has regrets. He seems so focused on the here and now that I never really thought he spent much time on the past or the future. I shouldn't be surprised that there's more to him than I thought.