Reverie

No more "What if's?"

You know how you imagine perfect, cute scenarios in your head about yourself and your crush? Well I'm no different. My favourite pastime was imaging such scenes starring myself and Keegan.
Keegan was not what you'd call 'hot' and 'drool-worthy' but he definitely was cute and adorable. He was not a playboy and he treated all girls with respect. I met him when I was in ninth grade and I will NOT say that we hit it off instantly. In fact I did not even acknowledge his presence in my class until half the academic year had passed by. But when we did start talking I again DID NOT feel any kind of connection. He was more than just a classmate but lesser than a friend.
                  The next year in 10th grade, we were in different classes and did not see each other that often. I soon found out that we went to the same coaching classes. But that was not much of a co-incidence as most of my schoolmates attended this coaching class. And then suddenly, one day, totally out of the blue, I felt butterflies in ny stomach when he came upto me and asked about the test scheduled for the next day. After that I started noticing how eagerly I anticipated his arrival through that door of my coaching class. And when he didn't turn up, my heart would drop down to the floor like an anchor falls to the ocean bottom.
                    My friends started noticing the changes in my behaviour whenever he was around and how moody I would become if he didn't come to school that day. They confronted me about it and I admitted that MAYBE I do have feelings for him. But deep down in my heart I knew that it wasn't MAYBE I was totally obsessed with him! I found every little thing he did as adorable and that only made me fall deeper for him.
                        We used to chat regularly online but the chats were never fun and flirty. They were restricted to studies and were...one-sided. He never showed any interest in talking to me and always replied with one - word answers. Nevertheless I was too crazy about him to actually notice this.
                            1 year later I moved cities and made new friends and met new guys but none of them made me feel like he did, though he actually never put any effort into it. On his birthday I sent him a message wishing him a Happy bday, but he never replied! He saw the message but did not reply! I was shocked! I wondered whether he came to know about my feelings and thats why he was ignoring me but I couldn't do anything about it and so I left it at that.

*4 months later

                    I would often think about confessing everything to him just so that I wouldn't have to keep thinking 'Does he love me? Does he love me not?' But I never picked up the courage to tell him lest he ignored me again. One night while talking to my friend I told her about how badly I wanted to tell him everything but was scared. She started aggressively knocking sense into my head telling me to end this once and for all. If I wanted to tell him I should. I shouldn't be scared. It was a confession not a proposal. And so I did!
                      I sent him Hi and waited for a few mins for him to reply but as presumed he didn't. But he hadn't seen the message yet so I couldn't blame him. Anyway i didn't want to put this off again and so I told him. I told him I wasn't forcing anything on him and was not expecting him to reply. With all the butterflies in my stomach and my shivering hands, instead of typing 'I know the feelings are not mutual' I sent -I know the feelings are mutual. It sounded so creepy. And i realised this only after he came online and saw the message. I immediately sent a clarification explaining my typo. He didn't make a huge fuss about it and was actually very sweet. He calmly told me that he did like me but not in a 'more than friends' way. I won't say my heart dropped to the floor or something at him 'friend-zoning' me because I kinda knew that this was what he would say. Then he told me to take care and then I thanked him and we signed off.
                     That night, after screaming into my pillow, I slept without imagining romantic scenarios. And believe it or not.....my heart felt physically lighter and my mind was at peace knowing that it wouldn't have to reply to 'what if?' anymore.