early the next morning Joanne left And I was alone once again and left with only my thoughts
I put a movie on but there wasn't anything good on tv so I just picked one of my DVDs at random and ended up watching mean girls i loved that movie but I couldn't concentrate once again my thoughts were taking over and I just remembered all the horrible things people have called me
"slut"
"whore"
"fat"
"anorexic "
"stupid"
"show off" I remembered being called that by the people who I called friends
"idiot"
"good for nothing"
"annoying"
"unwanted"
"unloved"
"hated"
"waste of time space and energy"
"ugly"
"freak of nature" my own mum has called me most of these
but I remember the time when I was in a argument with Chloe Parker my ex best friend who I told all my secrets to
we were having an argument and because she was being so loud and annoying people came to watch and when she saw the crowd she decided to say
"well at least I ain't a self harming bitch who is so insecure in her own skin that she has had suicidal thoughts you are the one who always comes crying to me when ever you have a problem. why don't you talk to your dad about it Oh yeah maybe it's because he is dead so maybe you should talk to your mum about it Oh yeah I forgot she dosent care about you that's why she is never home with you she is always somewhere in another country probably fucking a whole bunch of men" I was so surprised by what she was saying that I couldn't get any words out of my mouth and I was frozen in place because of the shock
"I'm surprised she hasn't got an STD yet" she continued "don't..." she got cut off her sentence when Joanne came and pulled her onto the floor by her hair she pulled so hard that a bunch of hair came out in her hand and she stuffed it into Chloe's mouth before stomping on her face breaking her nose then she took me away from the crowd
"are you OK?" she asked me and I nodded and from then onwards is when me and Joanne begun to become best friends
"self harming bitch" these words kept circling in my mind
"so insecure in your own skin" why couldn't I keep these words out of my head I tried to concentrate on the movie
"bimbo"
"buterz " I tried to push these words out of my head so I got my note book and pen turned to an empty page and started writing down my favourite quotes from memory
I'm quirky silly blunt and broken
my days are sometimes too dark
and my nights sometimes too long
I often trip over my own insecurities
I require attention
long for passion
and wish to be desired
I use music to speak when words fail me
even though words are as important to me as the air I breath
I love hard and with all that I have
and with all my faults I'm worth loving
- danu grayson
what if I'm not worth loving what if I'm just wasting everyone's time or they are just pretending to love me what if I have too many faults to be loved I thought to myself with a tear starting to stream down my face I needed to push the thoughts away so I wrote another one down
throughout life people will make you mad
disrespect you
and treat you bad
let God deal with these things they do
cause hate in your heart will consume you too
-will Smith
I was starting to feel better so I wrote down another one
Do not dwell in the past
do not dream of the future
concentrate your mind on the present moment
-Buddha
so I decided to take the advice from all the quotes and tried to let go of the past and live in the present to concentrate my mind in the present aanndd I was alone here with no one here and no parents who are there for me. wow amazing advice I'm not feeling any better I sighed
"dumbass" the words came crawling back into my mind
"idiotic"
"fool" these words were circling in my mind taking over my thoughts
"annoying"
"slut"
"whore" they kept repeating themselves
"good for nothing"
"freak"
"wiredo "
"unloved"
"unworthy"
"unwanted" it was driving me crazy
"self harming bitch" that was only once I found myself saying out loud i wanted to feel better so I decided I was going to contradict all of the voices in my head
"psychopath" I heard myself thinking "I ain't a psychopath because psycopaths kill people for joy and that's not me"
"anorexic" "well I ain't anymore therefore you fail"
I stopped there what's wrong with me I thought I'm basically having an argument with myself I'm contradicting myself I'm so strange wtf I thought at this point I was so upset I was just crying out of control
I walked upstairs and into my bedroom I looked at my self in the full length mirror i stood there looking at myself long and hard trying to find something... anything I like about myself I wanted to at least like one thing about the way I look and OMG I'm ugly I hated myself my hair was too crazy my eyes look ugly my lips too big and ears too small I hate my nose, feet, hight I hated absolutely everything about myself so I just dropped down in my bed. I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling tracing the patterns on the roof with my eyes
I just lay there and allowed the mean words to stay in my mind I couldn't push them away anyways and I just allowed the tears to fall down the sides of my face some even landed in my ears but I just lay there completely still with my legs straight and arms down by my side I was cold because the heating was off and all I was wearing was a vest and shorts but I didn't cover myself I just lay on top of my quilt completely still completely silent and very cold with the tears silently falling down my face and my eyes now fixed on a particular point on the ceiling
after about 10 minutes I closed my eyes I wasn't sleeping I couldn't sleep the words were still haunting me hurting me the tears still silently streaming down my face and I just lay there completely still in the cold darkness.
YOU ARE READING
Love me or hate me, this is my life
Teen Fictionwell like you can see in the title this is a story of my life.... well not my life lyanie 's life which may seem ok from the outside but in her head she is insecure and scared lyanie has seen things that no one should see and is quiet disturbed from...
