On Our Own (gxg)

Chapter 10 - Chaos

"Luna."

I whisper. I don't mean to, but I don't want to scare her. I remember that name. From school. We don't learn any other languages because English is the only one being spoken and needed on Alatis. Except for some Latin and Ancient Greek. We learn some of that, too, because many important and scientific vocabulary origins from those old languages. I loved especially the mythology. But Luna is a word that had me since the first time I read it. It means moon. Even some of the 21st century languages had adapted that word, Spanish or French for example.

The moon. I would give a whole lot to take a single look at the moon. Of course I can look up high definition 3D pictures on my holo. But that's not real. I can't imagine how the moon looks like in real life. How it feels to look at it. How does it even feel like to have earth, sand, grass and dirt beneath you feet? How does natural gravity feel?

I have never been on a planet in my whole life. Neither has my father or my grandfather. I haven't even seen one. It's already a privilege to have seen the huge window of the bridge, not many inhabitants get that chance, let alone spend so much time there as me. But to be honest, it's quite boring. You see the greyish metal of the Alatis and a whole lot of literally nothing. It's dark and cold and only sometimes you can see some stars. But nothing like a moon ever.

"Luna."

I only now realize that it's like the strangest thing I can do to repeat the name of the woman all over again. I blush all over and lower my gaze, I don't dare meeting her eyes again, I am incredibly embarrassed and I feel awkward. I stand up, stiffly, adjusting my uniform.

"Umm, well, nice to meet you, Luna, umm, you... please enjoy your meal... I will be outside - actually you can see me behind the glass, and yeah, mmh, if you need anything let me know..."

I stammer while backing out of the cell and unlocking the door with my ID. Only when I hear the reassuring swoosh of the lock of the door closing the cell behind me, I let out a releasing breath. Wow, that was really stupid, Rayen. Improfessional. I hit my forehead with my right hand and sigh, dissappointed and even a little angry at myself - only to remember that the cell doors and walls are made of glass, so I am conpletely viewable by Luna. You are so fucking stupid, Rayen. I blush all over again. The only thing left to do is covering up my embarrassment with faked seriousness and professionalism. Faking my surface and appearance is something I trained my whole life. I can do that. But on the inside I am literally chaos.

I stand attention and avoid looking at her, but I can't stop glancing. She eats the food I brought her. She finally stops shivering as she cuddles up in the blanket I brought her. And she keeps looking at me. I can't read her mind, but it looks like she is seizing me, trying to take measure of me, feeling a lack of privacy and trust which is definately there, avoiding to fall asleep so hard. But her pale skin, her heavy eyelids and her tired body take over control and she finally drifts off with a calm, rhythmical breath.

I am not in the least ashamed to look at her now, to take in every inch of that woman. Honestly, she is beautiful. I sigh. Her long blonde hair is tied up in a messy bun, however it still looks good and not abandoned. Her body recovers as she sleeps, her skin becomes a more natural touch, it's not that pale anymore. There is one skein of hair falling losely over her cheek. I want to stroke it back so hard and I don't know why. Why am I so fascinated by her? By her well defined cheek bones, her elegantly curved eyebrows that are perfectly framing her eyes of which I know they are of the most calming blue I have ever seen? By her lips, full and red, although a little dry? By her long neck, her notable collars peeking out of her prisoner's suit? Or by her body, skinny but trained probably due to the hard labour the Goners are forced to do? I'd really like to know how tall she is, I haven't seen her standing. But right now she looks like peace. In sleep people are honest. When their facial muscles relax, you can see how worn they really are, how scarred, how vulnerable, how helpless. Rayen, what is wrong with you? My thoughts don't stop wandering around Luna, my eyes stare at her as if she would disappear as soon as I look away. Am I allowed to look at her like that? Well, it couldn't be wrong when she's just so nice to look at, could it? I don't know what's going on anymore.

I don't know how much time has passed when my holo beeps and displays the message, that lets me go.

I get home to my dorm, and I don't know how. I get a stormy hug by Malone and some shoulder pads by the guys, and I don't remember how. I tell Malone all about the day. Nearly all. And my fake surface is reliable. I get ready and fall in to my bed, pretending to be tired, but I am not. There is a storm inside me and at the same time there is no wind or noise at all.

I lie in bed and try to sleep. But I can't and I don't know why. What the hell is wrong with me? I have barely ever been so agitaded since my mom died and my father started abusing me. I am terrified by the thought the something of this day was able to break through my shell. My protecting shield. My self-created version of myself, faked outside, empty and dull and emotionless inside. I have never shed a tear due to emotions since I stopped crying for my mom.

But just now, as I lie in bed, a single tear rolls down my face. I was numb before, only now I realize how broken I really am. All I can think of is the moon. Luna. I am like a rough sea, suddenly breaking dikes. We haven't even talked a lot, I have only made a complete fool out of myself. But still, I realize, still that blue eyes finally made me feel... just feel. And I can't stop, I have lost control, and I want it back. I am terrified of the fact that I feel. I want to get Luna out of my head but her blue eyes find their way back to my mind over and over again.

Finally I fall into a light dreamless sleep.