On Our Own (gxg)

Chapter 14 - Principles

I can not move. It's like passing by someone who had an accident, maybe an arm got stuck in an automatic door or whatever, that happens from time to time. You pass by and you really don't want to look, but still you can't focus on anything else.

I don't even breathe.

I am hurting internally, it feel like I am shifting back in time or like I have one of those nightmares again. I see the perverted amused and disgustingly pleased faceless people harassing and brutally abusing the strenghless, defenseless Goners.

I don't see their facial expression because the ArEn doesn't display them. But I know exactly what their faces would look like, if they had ones. Countless times I looked into a face that was sweating and reddened from the activity of abusing me. Countless times I saw the raw, non-human flames of pure entertainment, unfounded anger, lust of blood and of the craving for being superior and using this position in those eyes of my father.

I had almost managed to leave that past behind, to shut the door and heal the wounds he, my own father, had inflicted on my soul and being.

But this very moment throws me back without hesistation nor a second thought.

And instead of being damned to accept my fate and the abuse and pain that is - in this moment I can finally do something, I realize. And I break the immobility of the shock.

I have got flaming anger inside of me, I am so incredibly eager and sure to never let anyone get abused like I was if I have any chance to prevent them from that. You even promised that to yourself, Rayen. In all those hours of self-healing, in all those sleepless nights. Keep that promise.

And that is the moment I forget it's an ArEn. I forget it's a test. I can't stand it and I do not have any reason to withstand the urge to stop that injustice. That's the moment my rage takes over.

I run towards the violent commotion and I just scream out. I don't know which words come out, still their meaning is inquestionable. I throw my body between the opponents, stopping my comrades - I even spit that word out when I think it - and the desperate Goners. I take hits, get tased, but it turns out that my rage is bigger or that my body is still used to withstanding that abuse. I push the soldiers out of the group of people and finally I get the violence to stop. I am panting and sweating and I must be at the edge of passing out. But the adrenaline filling my venes keeps me stable.

And at the puzzled and angry gestures of my comrades I remember that this is a test. And I failed. I didn't do anything to prevent further riots in the future, did I? At least I didn't do what apparently was expected. Control the situation, Rayen!

I step forward, trying to make the surest and most impressing and confident impression I am able to. I speak up, and I hope my voice doesn't crack, that my voice doesn't transmit the shock and insecurity and struggles I have.

"Step back!"

I shout to no one in particular.

"Stop it! Calm down! This is the last fucking chance for you! Don't you dare standing up and causing trouble ever again! I promise, if you do, not only the weakest will die, I promise, no one will only get bruised - bruises are nothing. Broken bones. Scars.
We have fucking guns with us! You think this was a massacre? Wrong. This was a joke for us.
And your tiny freaking rebellion annoys us! Don't you scum dare piss us off again. Ever."

I stand in the middle between those two opposing parties, and there is silence. I thank my voice for being strong. And I internally slap myself for saying what I just said, and I don't only think of the curses, but the meaning. But it seems to work.

The Goners stay tensed but they really look frightened as they try to move their hurting bodies and their lifeless or passed out friends away from the division of soldiers. On the other side the soldiers are turning off their taser-batons, swiping stains from their uniforms, straightening their backs as if nothing happened. As if they didn't just turn into awful monsters enjoying the pain of others, the screams they provoked and enjoying their unfair superior position. That makes me shudder. In disgust. In disbelief.

I can't remember once feeling like I belonged to these soldiers.

The ArEn shuts down around me.

***

I blink twice and shake my head to fully get my mind back to reality. What the hell just happened? As the room returns to its orginal shape I remember. It's like taking a cold shower. I am still breathing audibly and my knees feel shaky.

What have you become?
There is no turning back, Rayen, but what have you become?

"Well, Recruit Finley. That was not superior. It was kind of poor. Show strengh, show power. That were clear orders. Don't be a damn pussy!"

The General shouts at me. My head sinks between my shoulders, I am not sure how to feel about his anger. His words just keep on crashing down on me, threatening to make me flow away with them like an overflowing cup.
Am I guilty for not following the orders? Should I be happy that I didn't follow them but my heart?

I see myself sliding into an internal fight again, where none of the sides will eventually beat the other. At this point the words of the General do not even reach my mind any more.

Soldiers. They always seemed to strong and so reliable, so right and fair to me back when I hadn't joined them. I looked at the injustice and pain my father gave me (whilst always destroying any evidence afterwards) and then I saw the soldiers, remaining emotionless, standing for the good things, the bright side, the Laws and the perfect order. My life was kicking me in my face and instead of screwing up and ending as a Goner I took those brave soldiers as my role models and got rid of all my emotions.

It turns out that my view was wrong. The soldiers do not stand for life's good, bright, brave, strong and fair side. I was wrong. And it feels like once again my world falls apart.

"But you turned out to be in charge of the situation and deescaleted the fight. You gained the attention and created order. For that we decided to give you one last chance, see it as a test. But I say it now, and I will only say it once: do not disappoint us. Your father doesn't care about you, you didn't have any friends. The comrades and roommates you got to know in the basic boot camp think you joined the Special Forces and are not allowed to see them anymore. Nobody would care, nobody would even notice if you were gone. We know everything - and you are nothing.
So I strongly recommend you to fulfill the task the last test, whatever it may be. You have 10 hours to regain your strengh, follow the lights at the walls to a single quarter, supplies are there. Be on time at Sector D, the prisons again. The last test won't be a simulation. So if you do not pass it you know some deep secrets - too deep to let you go. Maybe this fact will influence your motivation, I mean, isn't surviving an instinct everybody has?"

He laughs perfidious and dry, turns on his heel and leaves me alone in the shut down ArEn-room.

I hurry to find my quarter, I shower and lay down beneath the soft and light cover of the bed, my wet hair still steaming. I set the alarm to make sure I won't miss my time. Then I close my eyes, trying to sleep yet knowing sleep won't come. Internally I am still struggling, trying to put together all the things I experienced today. Shooting with Malone, getting selected, taking part in a disturbing test for the freaking Special Forces, ruining my career, trying to stay with my principles, and finally getting a last chance, offered in the same breath as a death threat.

I am laying here in silence, my mind running in circles, but in fact I am just really excited to return to Sector D. Maybe I will see her again.
How might she be doing?
Is she well?
Did they execute her by now?!?!
They wouldn't, would they? She seemed still young and very able to do whatever work they are forced to do just because they are Goners.

They wouldn't!

I peg on that thought, and her fierce, deep and calming, her incredibly beautiful blue eyes keep returning to my mind.

In by now 8 hours I will maybe see Luna again.