On Our Own (gxg)

Chapter 17 - Numbness

I can't remember being dismissed. I can't remember how I found the way back to the dorm where I have not been for a couple of days by now. I come in with a beep after approaching the scanner with my ID, but as the door swings open the room is empty, of course. Malone and the guys are at their training. Without thinking anything I head into the bathroom, hastily strip off my uniform. Then I hold on for a second. I wonder where my usually loud and busy thoughts are gone, but my mind stays quiet in shock. I step into the shower, commanding the water to turn on. I want to feel something. I see myself falling into that protective shell of not caring again that has made me survive all the years of brutal abuse. I didn't do it willingly then, but becoming internally dead was my mental protection from things I could not handle. And my mind is starting to do that again.

Only this time I want to feel something. I so desperately want to feel something!

Because I realize somewhere deep inside that it is wrong to remain quiet and back out. This time it isn't just about me and my stupid fucked up life. This time this is not about me at all. I ought to feel something. I need to be raging, I need to fight for justice, I need to clear things up, I need to be the one to question the system because apparentliy no one else will. So, stupid mind, think! Feel!

It doesn't work, I remain numb. I command the water to turn cold, almost freezing, I see goose bumps climbing up my body, see my fingers turn red and then blue and I can imagine my lips doing the same. I start shivering and my teeth chatter. Go for it! Just feel something! I beg my mind, my soul, but I can only feel the icey cold water causing pain on my skin like little needles would drain down on me. I am still emotionless. I can't even cry. So I sink down in the shower and snap at the central holo to turn of the water. I am lost in the numbness, everything feels foggy and distant.

I have nothing else I can do so I go into the locker room and change into my pajama. It feels good not to have a tight uniform on my skin. I look into the locker and see my Converses. It's been a long time since I wore them last, but I don't feel like celebrating, so instead of putting them on I slam the locker door shut in resignation. I sink down to the bench in front of my locker. The back of my head carelessly slams against the wall. I blink. And I am still numb. Damn it, Rayen!

I hear a beeping noise after a while - I have no idea how long I have been sitting there in the changing room. I hear chatter, the careless light chatter of my roommates, the small talk and little laughs of people who don't know. Still my heart warms a little - these few people made me feel belong somewhere more than my father has ever done.

I stay quiet in the changing room while I hear them settle in the main room, but in my head I see all of them in front of me.

Eliza Malone, the only girl in this whole hallway despite me. Her bright smile and her warm laugh that manages to light up every bad situation, her mouth that just seems to be overwhelmed by the floods of words it has to form.

Will Johnson, the black skinned, tall and bald guy who just behaves like an older brother to the dorm mates. His dark caring eyes and his hummingly low voice calming everything.

Mike Sullivan, the average brown bearded guy, just someone who you would immediatly entrust your life to. Like the man, who quickly seizes every unusual situation and reacts appropriately like any creative loyal soldier should.

Than Ling, the intimidatingly tall and muscular guy with Asian roots and a scar above the eyebrow who is some kind of nerdy technic freak although you wouldn't expect him to be when you look at him.

And last but not least Fernando Muños. The medic, the guy for the details and jokes with his open and caring character and his curly black hair and bushy brows.