On Our Own (gxg)

Chapter 11 - Focussing

A/N: Hey, there, I am back and first of all I wan to apologise for leaving you guys waitng for so long. I hope you like the chapter, I have new ideas by now and winter holidays have just started, so I am positive about having time and stuff to write a few chapters in the nearest time! Enjoy this one! :)

I start the next day with really wobbly knees and I don't trust my body to survive the training. I lack of sleep and I lack of discipline to calm my thoughts.

The alarm hasn't even gone off to wake up Malone, Johnson, Sullivan, Ling and Muños. By now, even though it has only been two weeks, their names, their presence and their company is calming. I didn't trust many people in my life, still they managed to gain my trust without even doing something for it and I am honestly kind of surprised.

Maybe it's just the way they are. They are not the people my father chose to be my friends. They don't behave superficial, they seem smart and funny and so full of life. They are just there. They include me. They obviously do the same things as me. I can ask for help, for a strong shoulder. I am also a part of their lives and they don't give me a reason to think tht they don't want that part. They give advise. I actually feel like I am finally part of a social group, that accepts me without questioning. I am part of something... is this what a healthy family should feel like?

Still I sneak out of bed and try to let them sleep. I should be tired since my mind could not really settle at night. But I am confused. I feel light, but I notice something incredibly heavy tearing me down as well. A shade. A broken light. A crack in the flawless surface.

I sneak into the bathroom. The mirror shows a person I don't know anymore. I don't cover up my freckles anymore and I still have my green eyes and my dark hair, I feel kind of independent from the restrictions my dad had enforced. Not being forced to look the way he wants makes me somehow feel free, feel like myself. But the scary part is that I don't know myself. I have hidden and surpressed my true self for so long that even I don't know it. And additionally I am completely unable to handle emotions.

Right now I am angry and feel dirty and powerless. I can't stop thinking of those worn out people. I know they have committed a crime. But they have been sentenced to death for it. The Laws do not include forced labour as a part of death sentence. And I for sure know that they do not include that. We study the Alatis Laws very often and in detail in the theoretical lessons in the afternoons. Am I guilty of supporting this injustice by being part of the system, by becoming a soldier who enforces the Laws and the things which are not in the Laws? I desperately grab my hair and mess it, want to get rid of these thoughts!

The only thing coming to my mind is taking a shower. So that's what I do. Back when I lived with my father I used to shower to wash away the pain, physical and mental, he had given me. But this time I just stand there, feel the water pouring down my body and disappearing in the floor, but it doesn't ease my feeling of guilt and doubt in any way. Rayen, you always sweared that if you had the chance you would do anything to prevent other people from experiencing the same overwhelming injustice and suffering you have known most of your life. Where is that Rayen now? I shake my head and look down to the encouraging wings spreading over my hands. They seem ironic right now.

Finally I stop trying to adjust the water temperature to the particular "comfort-me-and-wash-the-doubt-away"-heat. I take the holographic treble (my holo is waterproof) and turn it to ice cold. The heavy feeling has not gone away, but as I step out of the shower shivering I at least can't think anything at all because my brain is freezing.

I get ready and end up sitting in the locker room where the closets with our personal stuff are, I had planted myself on one of those simple benches. And I do something I haven't done in a long time - I start my sketching programme on my holo and get out a holographic piece of paper. I turn on some dark indie music and then I sketch.

When I sketch I don't think. It's like meditating for me. I let go and my pen flies just by itself. I just sink in and I don't even care about what I am drawing.

I startle as the door slides open and Malone busts in, breathing audibly. I look at her.

"There you are, Finley! I have looked for you, you didn't wake me up as usual when you have finished in the bathroom. I thought something happened yesterday so you went somewhere, who knows? You didn't tell much about your guarding shift and, yeah, I was worried. But here you are and wow..!"

She stops her monologue and clumsily sits down next to me, her eyes focussed on my holographic work in front of me. Only now I take a look, too. Luna. I drew a perfactly sketch of a girl in a cell. That's Luna. She is blonde and looks worn. Oh my God, Rayen freakin' Finley! She craves on the grey ground of a small room, eyes closed, face turned to me. I freed my mind with sketching to get rid of feeling guilty for treating Goners the wrong way, but my hand has nothing else to do than perfectly recall the exact image of the unconcious Luna in her cell?

"Oh damn, Finley! You're an artist! That's beautiful! I mean, wow, it's been a while since I've been in the prison section, but you perfectly pictured one of those cells and I think I even recognize the Goner. It is soooo impressive how you even capture the feeling of being in a restricted space and being dependent and worthless. I lack of words right now, your skill is crazy!"

I look down to my pencil sketch. I don't use colours, I mean, I know all the colours, but here on Alatis the colous do not mean very much exept for displaying one's profession. Most stuff is just grey-ish, metal, white or black. I don't admire my work, but it has the ability of sending be back to the cell, so watching over Luna's unconcious body. The impression is vivid, too vivid. I might not be able to comprise my inner chaos and the doubts about the whole system and I won't risk telling Malone any word. She's a soldier after all.

So I shrug and save the image in my holo, turn off the music and disable the holo display.

"Thank you, Malone. It's kind of just meditating for me, I couldn't really sleep. I am sorry I left you worrying", I say. She hugs me quickly and I bet the thing is forgotten by then.

We all get ready for the physical training and after lunch for the theoretical lessons. But not today. Today is the first day to shoot real weapons.