The Little Black Book For Guys: Guys Talk About Sex

Healthy Relationship Q&A

Healthy Relationship Q&A 

Courtnay McFarland, Manager of Youth Services, Davenport Perth Neighborhood Centre in Toronto (www.dpnc.ca) interviewed by the Group 

 Q: What makes a healthy relationship? 

A: A healthy relationship is based on equality. Both partners should feel that they exercise equal and balanced power and control. Some other characteristics of a healthy relationship include: trust, mutual support, having a good connection with other people, good communication (including openness to negotiation), and feeling good and safe emotionally, physically, and sexually. 

Q: What do you do if you are not in a healthy relationship? 

A: If at any point you feel that your relationship has more bad characteristics than good ones, then you need to think carefully about whether or not you want to be in that relationship. You should talk to other people that you trust and respect. Their perspectives and experiences may help you to sort out your options if you decide to end a bad relationship. 

Q: Do you think arguments are healthy in a relationship? 

A: I think a healthy relationship needs arguments. Arguments are not a problem if you can find a solution that both partners agree on. Arguments become a problem if one partner gives in just to please the other or if the issue is left unresolved in some other way. 

Q: Do you think that someone’s experience in past relationships is beneficial to a present relationship? 

A: Relationships should always be about learning. Each relationship helps you get to know yourself, how you are at communicating in different situations, what you need to feel happy and safe, and how to develop the skills that make a relationship work. Of course, you also learn from your mistakes. When you step into a relationship, you try to not make the same mistakes that you made in the past while encouraging what has worked successfully for you before. 

Q: Do you think an age difference matters when it comes to relationships? 

A: Age does not necessarily tell us anything about a person’s maturity level. You could be 17 years old but have the maturity level of a 20 year old, and vice versa. Most important is that a relationship has a strong level of equality and mutual respect between both partners. When one partner is considerably younger, however, there is more often a concern that the relationship is not equal. It is important to question, for example, why an 18-year-old would want to have a 13-year-old partner. Is the relationship equal or is one partner more powerful and taking advantage of the other? 

Q: Why do you think that some people cheat on their partners? 

A: Sometimes, I think there are as many reasons for people behaving in certain ways as there are people. Even so, in working with youth, I’ve seen some reasons come up pretty often. I think sometimes people are afraid to end a relationship, so they step into another relationship without properly breaking off the old one. Other people cheat because they are angry at their partner or because they like the thrill of doing something forbidden. Still other people simply give in to temptation if someone other than their partner expresses an interest. The important thing to understand is that, whether your intentions are fair or not, you will have a profound effect on your partner if you decide to cheat. Be responsible. 

Q: How do you know if a person isn’t giving consent to sex? 

A: Words or body language should express how the person is feeling. If at any point you can’t tell whether or not your partner consents, you need to ask. Ideally, people should be talking about sex long before having it — not just when they are naked and in bed but also when they are fully clothed and relaxed. Clear communication outside the bedroom helps ensure clear communication in the bedroom. 

Q: What are the different types of abuse in relationships that people should watch out for? 

A: There are many forms that abuse can take. Physical abuse is most easily identified. It is when someone physically hurts another person by punching, pushing, slapping, kicking, physically trapping, or hitting with objects. Emotional and mental abuse is harder to identify and address. This type of abuse occurs when someone gets what they want by manipulating how their partner feels. Emotional and mental abuse leave the victim feeling insecure and horrible about themselves, as if they deserve no better, which makes it hard for them to end the situation. Verbal abuse is when a person constantly attacks a person with words — using put downs, namecalling, and screaming. Sexual abuse happens if a person forces another to engage in a sexual act without that person’s consent. If you or any of your friends are experiencing anything like this, it is important to talk to a teacher or counselor about it. Check out the back of this book for more suggestions on places where you can find help.