The Little Black Book For Guys: Guys Talk About Sex

OPTING for OPTIONS: Abortion, Adoption, and Parenting

She’s pregnant. For whatever reason, your sperm and her egg got together, and now a baby is on the way. You and you partner now have some tough decisions to make. Are you ready to have a baby? Can you support a child? Do you even want one?

Here is some information about your three main choices:

ABORTION

One of the options available to people in Canada and the U.S. is abortion. Now, there are lots of opinions out there about abortion. Don’t let that get to you. Find out about the facts, think about how you feel, and talk to your partner. When it comes right down to it, it is your partner’s decision, but she could use all the support you can give her. It is her body that will be affected. You may really want to try and have the baby, but if that’s not the decision she makes, you need to respect that.

So what happens if you and your girl choose to have an abortion? Both of you should see her doctor or go to a health clinic and talk about it. If you or your partner is having a hard time dealing with the abortion, there are people you can talk to.

The doctor will then refer you to a clinic or hospital for the abortion. In Canada, abortions are covered under public health plans so it shouldn’t cost you anything, but not all hospitals perform abortions and not all provinces have clinics. In the United States, the average cost is around $375, but it can be lower or higher.

Once an appointment has been set up, a doctor will use suction to remove the contents of the uterus. This will end the pregnancy. Most abortions will only be performed in the first trimester, which is the first three months of pregnancy. After that, you will have to look at other options. If, after having an abortion, your partner is still having a hard time dealing with the decision (or you are), talk to someone. Women who have an abortion will still be able to get pregnant later when and if they decide they are ready.

Abortion is not a form of birth control. It should be done only when other birth control options have failed and it is too late for the Emergency Contraception Pill. Even if you decide that having an abortion is the best decision for you, it can still be a hard choice to make and comes with a lot of emotion. If your partner chooses to have an abortion, it isn’t because she doesn’t love or trust you. She just isn’t ready to have a kid—yours or anyone else’s.

See the Resources section at the back of the book for suggestions on where to find more information about abortion options in your area.

ADOPTION

If your partner doesn’t believe that abortion is the best option for her, but doesn’t want to raise a baby, adoption is always an option. There are many couples and families out there that can give a baby a good home. There are many people who really want a child but are unable to have one. The  choice of adoption can bring great joy to someone else’s life, but it can also be difficult. It can be hard to give up a child, especially when you see him or her for the first time. For some people, knowing that they have a kid out there, somewhere is hard.

If you and your partner do agree to give the baby up for adoption, your first step is to talk to your doctor or health clinic.

They will get you in touch with someone who can give you all the facts and talk to you about the adoption process in your area. Adoption procedures are a little different in every province and state, but in general, you will have the option to choose either an open adoption or a closed adoption.

An open adoption means that you and your partner let the adoptive parents know your identity. You may even choose to stay in touch as the child grows up. It all depends on how involved you want to be and how comfortable you and the adoptive parents are with each other. If you share your identity and communicate with the adoptive parents, but you don’t meet them face-to-face, it is considered a semi-open adoption.

A closed adoption means that your identity is kept confidential, and you won’t know the identities of the adoptive parents. You may each learn basic family and medical information about each other, but your names and locations will not be shared.

Adoptions can be arranged privately by individuals (like if an aunt and uncle or friends of the family want to adopt your baby), by private adoption agencies, or by public government agencies. In every case, the people involved must abide by the same adoption laws. Whenever there are expenses to be paid, they are usually paid by the adoptive parents, not by the birth parents. If you choose adoption, know that there are many low- and no-cost options available to you.

See the Resources section at the back of the book for suggestions on where to find more information about adoption options in your area.

PARENTING

Deciding to become a parent is a huge deal. Looking after a child takes a lot of work, a lot of money, a lot of time, and a lot of patience. In fact, if you do become a dad, it will be the most important responsibility you will ever have. After all a baby is a human being who needs food, clothing, shelter, and emotional nurturing—not to mention health care and education. On the other hand, all that work can be worth it because knowing and parenting this human being could give you the most amazing experiences that you ever have.

If your partner decides she is going to keep the baby and raise the kid, you need to be honest with her and with yourself about how involved you are willing to be. There are a lot of things to consider. Will you stay in school? Will you work? How much time will you be available to look after the baby? What will you do if you have to choose between hanging out with your friends and looking after the baby? Will you and your partner stay together as a couple? Will you live together? Do you have family and friends who can support you emotionally?

Are you aware of your legal and financial responsibilities as the father? Be sure to talk about all of these issues with your partner before the baby is born. Try to be realistic about your expectations.

The good news is that you are not alone. Start with a doctor. It is very important that your partner – see a doctor as soon as she knows she is pregnant and – immediately stop smoking, drinking alcohol, or using drugs as these things can interfere with the development of the baby

The doctor can help prepare your partner for a healthy pregnancy, including recommending vitamins and exercises and keeping track of both your partner’s and the baby’s health over the coming months. Since pregnancy happens to your partner’s body, not to yours, it’s important that you be supportive and encouraging about her efforts to stay healthy, but let her make the decisions.

There are many organizations out there that offer support for teenage parents. These groups can offer – knowledgeable and supportive people to talk with – programs and classes to help you prepare for what’s next in the pregnancy, for birthing, and for parenting – an opportunity to meet other young parents going through the same experiences as you. Ask your doctor or health clinic to recommend groups in your area.

See the Resources section at the back of the book for suggestions on where to find more information about being a teen parent.