We're Neighbors

Fixing and Mending

So we went on that one date. And I thought maybe he realized that I wasn't what he wanted. But I was wrong.

We went on another date. And another. Until I had lost count.

And unlike most dates, where they build you up and make you feel great, every date tore me up a little bit more.

Like for example, remember how I said I used makeup out of respect? That was no longer true. I now used makeup... Because I felt so awful.

I looked and saw every imperfection on my face. And before I could consider, I had covered it up with loads of makeup. Sometimes, I couldn't even recognize myself. And I didn't care.

I hated everything about myself. I hated my hair, my eyes, my face, my whole body.

And then came my weight. I had never cared about my weight. I had no reason to. No one ever commented on it, and Charlie made me feel like a model. Not that Marshall commented on it, but I guess I made myself believe he did. He didn't say much about my appearance. And I guess that's what made me so insecure.

So I cut down eating. A lot. Sometimes I went whole days with only a cup of water. It wasn't healthy, but I didn't care. And I felt like no one else did either.

I had finished caking on my makeup and was getting ready for another date. Marshall only took me to the fanciest, most expensive restaurants, so I always had to dress up.

I had gotten ready early, so I had an extra thirty minutes to spare. I sat down on my bed and leaned against the wall.

I grabbed my phone and went through pictures and videos. Until I stopped at a certain folder.

I had to clasp my hand around my mouth as I stared. I should've deleted those pictures long ago, but I could never bring myself to do it.

I threw my phone down and sobbed. I had to cry into my hands to prevent my makeup from running.

I heard a knock on the door. I quickly straightened up and stopped crying.

"It's open", I called.

The door slowly opened.

I stopped when I saw him. "Its not like you to knock", I said.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

I assumed he heard me crying. But I smiled as bright as I could.

"I'm fine".

"You know, if I didn't know you so well, I might believe that beautiful smile", he said.

He turned the lights completely on and I hid my face, ashamed.

"Joanna, look at me".

I gently put my hands down. But I couldn't look at him in the eyes.

I got up from the bed and walked to the window.

"Joanna, what have you done to yourself? What has he done to you?" He asked.

"Nothing. I said I'm fine. And you should probably go".

"This isn't you. You don't look like this. And you..." He looked down at my waist ,"Why? Why would you do this? You were so perfect".

I ignored him. "Charlie, I can't. I have a date tonight..."

He came close to me. "A date? Joanna...." he grabbed my wrist and pushed me against the wall.

He sure liked pushing me against the wall.

"Are you trying to make me jealous? Huh? Is that what you want? Cause you're doing a hell of a job! I'm jealous! There! I'm jealous! I'm so f*cking jealous!. You don't think I want what he has? I do! I want to take you out on fancy dates! I want to buy you everything I can! I want to treat you like a princess!"

I stopped him. "I don't care about the stupid stuff like that. And you know it".

"You can't date him", he said.

I smirked. "And why not?"

"Because you're mine! God, you're mine! No one else can have you!" He yelled, releasing my hands.

"I was never yours. You know why? Because you were too cowardly to tell me that I was yours. Too cowardly to ask me."

He was about to retort when I phone buzzed. I picked it up.

"Sorry. My dates here", I said and rushed out before I fell Into his arms in tears.

I rushed out to the car and got in before he could open the door for me.

"What's the rush?" He asked.

"Can we just go?" I asked, looking out the window.

He nodded and we drove off. I stared at the apartment the whole way off.

"So... What's bugging you?" He asked.

"My neighbor. He can't leave me alone".

"I'm sorry.... But don't worry. We'll get your mind off of all this".

He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I faked a smile and nodded.

Our date was just like our fifty other ones. We went to an expensive restaurant. We talked for hours. And he drove me home. But before I got out, I had something I needed to say.

"Marshall, listen", I said," You're an unbelievably sweet guy and I have really enjoyed getting to know you. But this isn't what I want. This isn't me. I don't need the fancy restaurants and gifts. It just isn't what I need. So I think it would be better if we just stayed friends".

It was weird. I had never had a normal breakup before. I mean, I had only ever been in one other relationship. But every one of our breakups had been a huge fight and slamming doors. And I missed that. I liked it way better.

Rather than telling an innocent man who hadn't done anything wrong that it just wasn't working

He slowly nodded. "I really like you Joanna. And I would love to continue our relationship this way. But I don't want you to be uncomfortable or unhappy. And I understand. I would love to remain your friend", he said.

I hugged him tightly. "Thanks for understanding."

He nodded. And then I got out and he drove away.

And then it was over. I wouldn't be forced to dress up in fancy dresses and wear high heels. No more faking a smile and pretending to be someone.

I tore off my high heels and ran inside.

I felt like part of my life had been mended. I had a slight ray of hope that I would one day be happy again. I just had the rest of my screwed up life to fix.