Strings Attached

Chapter 11

Castiel wakes up to the sound of a guitar playing. It's slow, but not too slow. Castiel recognizes it as Dust in the Wind. Wow. He's gotten better. Castiel doesn't open his eyes, instead listening to the music playing. He hears Dean curse under his breath when he messes up, but he always goes back and fixes his errors. It's clear he really wants to learn this song, but he's going at it the wrong way. He should play it slow and correct, not fast and wrong.

Eventually, Dean sighs and begins playing something else instead. Castiel recognizes it as Heat of the Moment. Castiel smiles slightly at it, but Dean doesn't notice until he finishes.

"Cas?" Dean says quietly. "You awake?"

Castiel pretends he's asleep, quickly wiping the smile from his face.

"Guess not," Dean mutters, then tries to play Dust in the Wind again. It amazes Castiel how much better he gets in the next half hour or so. He's not perfect, but he's getting there.

Dean sighs, and Castiel hears the sound of the guitar hitting the floor gently. He expects that to be Dean preparing to leave, but the boy doesn't get up. Instead, he just watches Castiel for a while as the boy begins to fall asleep again.

Dean sighs softly. "Oh, Cas," he mutters. "Poor kid."

~~

Castiel wakes up later to hear light snoring. He looks around and sees Dean still sitting by his bed, sleeping peacefully. His guitar leans against his chair, and Castiel wants to play it so bad right now. He'd rather not irritate his cuts, though. Besides, stealing people's guitars is wrong.

But then again, who cares if things are wrong? Castiel picks up the guitar, careful not to make a sound. He sits up, putting the guitar in his lap. The movement sends jolts of pain through his chest, so he lies against the end of the bed instead. He takes the pick out and puts it down, strumming with his fingers instead to make it quieter. He plays softly, not any song in particular but just random, like he usually does.

He watches Dean at first, making sure the boy doesn't wake up before he allows himself to close his eyes and play, zoning out like he loves to do.

It takes him a long time to realize he's playing the song he played in the park, the one he wrote about Crowley. That was the beginning of an era for Castiel.
That was when the idea of suicide first came to him. Back then, it had been more a fantasy, never something he had actually thought of trying. It was soon after that he started flirting with the idea of self harm. A small cut here, small cut there. Nothing much. But it became a full blown obsession soon, and it was nearly impossible to break the habit.

Unlike most people, when he stopped cutting, it wasn't because things were getting better. They got worse, so much worse than he became numb to it. It no longer meant anything to him. It wasn't a sign of strength or of weakness. It was just something he did. He realized there was no reason for it anymore, and he stopped. Not before he got these scars all over his body, though; scars which will probably never go away.

"Cas?" Dean mumbles, his eyes still shut.

Castiel stops playing. "Yeah?" he whispers.

"Nothing," Dean replies softly. "Just wanted to make sure it was you that took my guitar and not some random stranger."

Castiel lets out a small laugh. It's not much, more a sharp exhale than a laugh, but it's enough to make Dean smile slightly.

"Cas?" Dean says a few minutes later.

"Yeah?"

"Can you keep playing?" Dean asks. "Just for a little bit?"

Castiel doesn't answer verbally, instead playing the guitar softly and watching as Dean falls asleep again, and only when he's completely unconscious does that smile fall from his face.