Broken Horse

Chapter 7 - Sergei

This shouldn't be happening and I had to make her leave. She was in my home, in my living room, and curled up in the corner of my couch with her legs tucked under her. A few times already, those damn hazels filled with water on the verge of spilling. And I don't know why.

I chose to sit across from her on the west side couch. It wasn't like I didn't have the room where we had to sit next to each other. There were two other couches that faced the seventy-inch flat screen. Looking over at those black leggings she had worn and that royal blue t-shirt, my hands started to ache. Just couple of hours ago, her hand was in between mine, fitting in with them perfectly. Now, my hand was vacant, my shoulder was cold, and those temporary sutures in my heart were beginning to fray apart.

For three years, I have not had a woman in my home, on my couch, or in my life. Now, I have one in my house, who was on my couch, cuddled to my side, who held my hand, and one who insists on invading all of my thoughts.

"Are you going to be okay?" Her body shifted a little as she pulled her legs out from under her and scooted to the edge of the couch. She was getting ready to leave and I needed her to. I needed to not give her an answer and just let her leave.

Yes! I will be fine! Leave! The particular answer flashed through my mind letting my eyes drift around the room, on the posters of the hockey jerseys that hung on the east wall under the upstairs corner guest room, on the large screen television, on the rug... back onto her. Her arms were folded across her chest tightening that blue t-shirt to those perfect mounds enhancing them even more.

"Sergei?" Clearing her throat, the green flecks in her eyes sparkled in the lighting that was coming from under the west side walkway that led to my bedroom. She hadn't asked what the rooms upstairs in the corners were and I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want to be reminded she was in my house and my bedroom was an elevator or a staircase away.

 She had to run into me right before the class I took over teaching. It was as if she slammed into me so hard she was able to mend enough pieces of my heart to ease some of that damage. Each day since, I found more pieces coming together and the scars, anger, and hurt was becoming less and less... until Susie called and brought it all rushing back. Still, seeing Jacki just made it better and that scared the hell out of me. That wasn't supposed to happen, was it? Was a woman, a student at that, supposed to come into my life and mend everything that was broken inside of me like that?

"Have you eaten?" Folding her hands together, she placed them on her lap with those eyes staying on me, on mine filling with a little bit of water. Did she want to leave, but wasn't sure how to without being rude? Surely, she didn't have to stay if she didn't want to. I just felt the need to explain to her what happened and why I had been absent.

It was because of what she said to me that Friday when I was drunk. That pain deep in her eyes, it really hurt her that I was drinking, that she found out that I was drunk at school. I could have been fired. I could have gotten into a lot of trouble, but she cared enough to give me a ride home and then proceeded to tell me how I was throwing away my life. For as many times in the past three years that I've had those facts thrown into my face, she was the only one who opened my eyes to see what I was actually doing to myself. Her. Not my father. Not my brother. Not even my good friend. I looked in the mirror and all I saw was the man who did not deserve anything in his life. The pain, the hurt, the anger of what Susie instilled in me, I would never be able to be free of that demon, and I didn't deserve to be, either.

"I have not. I have not eaten much at all. Not since last night when I left my brother's home to fly back here." Tipping my head, I let out my breath trying to contain my thoughts. She looked so innocent, so sweet and full of love, I had to get away. Even looking at Susie, I felt myself tumbling over that step just to want to get to her. I loved Susie more than anything, but this... I never felt this need, this want, and this desire as I did with Jacki. And I do not know what is worse, seeing the woman who ripped my heart out of my chest and played a game with it or the student who was completely off limits who was taking that same heart, picking it up off the ground, and dusting the debris off and gluing the pieces back together.