Broken Horse

Chapter 25 - Jacey

The throb in my head was increasing as I stood on the staircase. After making the mistake of going down to the kitchen and getting something to eat, he managed to rip himself out of his office just to play with my mind. But, what he doesn't know, I didn't have a mind for him to mess with anymore. 

For years we discussed the actual aspect of our business, and it didn't involve having pet horses that no one else wanted. We were in this to make money. And to make money, you had to have something worth while to sell. Horses that didn't have any life to them just wasn't in our budget.

Spring and I was supposed to be out in full force working with the new horses I purchased from that horse sale. Like a good business woman, I passed two on to John, and decided to send the other one down the road. After watching it for a while, there wasn't any spark, anything anyone would want for a performance horse.

"You have the land across the street, and the corral needs a couple fencing panels, but it would hold until you section up the back for your rescue herd. I've been crunching some numbers and, as long as you don't go too overboard, we could have up to ten head." Releasing his breath, he tipped his chin up and tried to bury the annoyance in the manure pile. Rescue horses wasn't anything my father wanted to be a part of. And now, he was giving me an allowance of horses?

Pressing my lips tight together, I sucked in some air as the anger sweltered deep inside of me. I shoved the horses away. I didn't want anything to do with them since I lost the one piece of Sergei I had left.

All because I worried about those worthless animals, I lost the only reason to be alive. If I had stayed home, woke my parents up, I would still have the baby. But, no. I ran out, in the middle of the night, chasing down those two horses.

His hands slipped deep into his pants pockets and those hazels were filled with love, but I didn't care anymore. He made it clear as to what I meant to him, and this business. Nothing could ever take away that cut he put into my heart. "You were so passionate about it before..."

"Yes, before! I told you to get them out of here. Sell them, give them away. It doesn't matter. We are not in this business to have pets." The more those two damn animals were around, the more the emptiness settled in. The more I saw of those two particular animals, the more I am reminded of what I lost all become of them. There was a reason why no one wanted them. They were thieves. And I wanted them gone.

"Honey, if it wasn't for those two horses..."

"I would have been happy just to have died out there." Just like every other day, there were no more tears. I was cold, stone. Nothing had affected me anymore. I was dead inside, just my heart refused to stop. What did it matter to even care, to think about the past and what could have been? It was just full of deep wounds that could never heal.

"Don't say that, Jay. You don't mean that." The pain spread across his face, but he set it aside as usual.

"Right. I forgot. I'm not good to you for the business now, am I? I was worthless pregnant, and I am more worthless now. That was all I was to you. I was just a damn hired hand. One that you could make money off of, right?" Shrugging my shoulders, I bit my lip hard. This was the new me. Push every singe feeling aside, and not give a care anymore. That way, nothing would ever hurt again. I could drop off the face of the earth tomorrow and it wouldn't matter. "I thought so. Those were your words. This is a business, right! A business, Jay! That was what you told me every time. Well, there is your business. I hope that it makes you happy."

"Now, listen here."

"No. You can't fix broken. That is what you told me over and over. You can't fix it. Just get rid of it." Rolling my eyes, I turned back to the steps earning a grunt from him. Did I care? No.

All those years I worked so hard to gain his respect, to bust my ass to someday down the farm across the road so I could have my rescue sanctuary, for what? To get my own heart ripped out of my chest and shredded in a heartbeat. And it wasn't but the fault of two horses that I never wanted to see again. And for some reason, not one damn person on the place refused to get rid of them.

"Fine. I will do it myself. Have John hook up the trailer and load them. I will get rid of them." I went up two steps, and nothing burned my eyes at the thought of those two going down the road, again. Taking them down the road and dropping them off at the county fairgrounds would mean I never had to see them, or be reminded of the destruction I pushed onto the man I loved.

Just as I made it to the top step, the loud knock filled through the house and robbed my father's attention. He answered it, and threw his hands up in the air. "You can have right at her. Go ahead, son. If I were you, I would have stayed away."

When he stepped away, my cold, black heart stilled. The man that I never wanted to face in my life again was standing in the entryway being welcomed by my family.

With him in Russia, there wouldn't have been a chance that I would ever face him again. Now, he was standing right there looking just like those damn, worthless horses that my dad refused to get rid of. His shoulders were broken down, and those blue eyes were duller than anything I've ever seen in them before. Probably due from alcohol again.

Those eyes were dull when I caught him drinking at school, and I knew he would turn right back to it. And he did. It wasn't my problem though. He could drown all his sorrows in the bottle if he wanted to. I was nothing to him, and I sure in the hell didn't mean anything anymore.

"I need to speak with you." His blue dead eyes had shot down to my now, very flat and empty belly. "I think we need to talk things through."

"No, we don't." I turned back to my room door listening to the loud thudding of his shoes on the steps. When I swung around, Sergei was standing right behind me. His eyes drifted down to the flat portion of my shirt again, and the questions flooded his eyes.

"I had plenty of time to think about things." Reaching out, he went for my hand, but I pulled away. Touching only made having him here worse. I didn't want him here. I didn't want to see him ever again. I didn't want anything to do with him ever again. I didn't want a damn thing anymore, but to be left alone.

"I don't care." I sidestepped around him and headed for the stairs again. On my way down, the warmth of his touch wrapped around my wrist stopping me on my descent. "Since you are here, take your horses and go or I will drop them off at the county fairgrounds. They are having a sale there next weekend and I don't care if I get a dime for them. I want them out of my sight."

"You don't mean that. I know you don't. You want them..."

"I want you to leave me the hell alone. I don't know why you even came back. I don't know why you care. I lied to you." I tried to pull my wrist away from him, but his gentle hold was far too strong. The past month I had been able to cut off all feelings, until now. Until he had to walk back into my life to make sure I paid for losing our baby.

"It took me a long time to leave..."

"I don't care, Sergei. Get your horses and go. There is nothing here worth breathing for."

"Yes, there is, Jacey Leigh. You still matter to me. And I am sorry..." He released my hand, and I took the chance to walk away. I had to. And my only escape was back up to my room. It wouldn't be much longer until they left me alone and I could take those horses over to the fairgrounds.

"Nothing matters anymore," I searched both of their faces before turning my back to them and retreating to the peace of my bedroom. It would be soon those two animals would be gone where I didn't need to be reminded of what I brought upon myself. I wouldn't be reminded of the life I took, from Sergei and from our child who didn't even get a chance at life.

Then, I will be able to go on about my business and pave myself a path to a new life, one where I would block out the feelings and let whatever happens happen. The sooner I get over with this life, the better... for everyone.