Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

3. My Dearest Son

I've never tried a lot of things. I always wonder if it's because I really don't want to or I'm just living in fear. I've never tried feeling the rain drops on my face just for the hell of it or even allowed it to drown my tears and wash away the bad memories with it. I've never tried having the sun burn my skin to a darker color and just live with the way that my family would probably tease me about it until it goes back to normal. I've never tried loving with no complications. I've never tried smiling for no reason. I've never tried being that person that I've dreamed of being ever since I was five.

But the way that my son's staring at me right at this moment makes me think differently-makes me think that it's better to be the person that this little embodiment of life wants me to be rather than my own ambitions. Because this little boy is the sun and I revolve around him.

I crouch down to his height as he enters my outstretched arms, hugging me like we haven't seen each other in years. I smile and bury my face against the crook of his neck, finding solace in the way that he doesn't want to let me go. Like I'll be gone if I resist him even for just a millisecond. I pull away to look him in the eyes and brush away the strands of hair that are messed up on his forehead. The hair that keeps me reminded of how things could've been if I just predicted it sooner. The eyes that stir mixed feelings inside my chest and leaves them misunderstood. The smile that brings me so much joy yet so much sorrow all the same. "Did you have fun with auntie, baby?" I stand and take his hand before leading him to the living room. I hear Go Eun close the front door and follow us.

"Yes!" he says enthusiastically, placing himself on my lap. He snuggles his body towards my warmth and looks at me with a smile that fills me with hope. Maybe I could get through this without having to worry about all the external dilemmas that I have. My life is right here sitting on my lap. Who am I to ask for more? Who am I to complain when I've already been given so much to begin with? "Mom," he calls me, twiddling his fingers. I know for a fact that when he uses that tone with me, he's going to ask for something. I smile and adjust him on my lap so that he's facing me. I trace his face with my fingers from his cute little nose to his cheeks, feeling the skin and reminding myself how much I love him.

"Yes, baby?" I say distractedly because of how his shirt has crumpled areas as I reach the fabric to straighten them out.

"Mom," he repeats again. I look at Go Eun and she smiles at me, as if she knows what he's going to ask for. I look at him, making him see that he has my full attention now. I'm prepared to give him everything because my love overflows for him-unconditionally. I kiss his nose and he smiles at me like he's sure that I'm going to say yes to whatever he might ask-and maybe I will. "Can I go see dad tomorrow?" I sit in utter surprise, my eyes wide and my mouth shut. Then I realize that maybe I'm not prepared to give him this particular thing. "He visited me at aunt Go Eun's house but he didn't stay because he said that he has school," he looks down at his hands. I can't hide that I'm upset right at this moment because I didn't expect him to want to see his dad because they've been spending time while I was away and maybe Joon Seo felt it because he's refusing to look at me. But the very question that's plastered across my brain is about Nam attending university. "Mom, did I make you sad?" he looks up at me and stares then reaches his small hand out to touch my cheek. I lean against the small source of warmth and kiss his palm.

"No, baby," I smile, rubbing his back. "Mom's not sad. I just need to talk to aunt Go Eun." I smile, although the emotions within me are anything but. "Why don't you go and ask the housekeeper for a snack and we'll be right there with you, okay?"

He nods and bounces down from my lap to run towards the kitchen and it almost made me shout at him because he's not supposed to be doing that. The air seems stale and I let the silence consume me. My eyebrows furrow in concentration, trying to think about why Joo Hyuk's taking a different path now. I know that Go Eun is dying to know what I want to talk about but my thoughts are too mixed up to even comprehend anything. I tuck my hair behind my ear and shut my eyes, willing everything to just fade into a dream but I'm just making myself dizzy. So I decided not to avoid the inevitable. "He's attending university?" I ask Go Eun bluntly, my hand taking its place on my forehead as if that will soothe the growing headache.