Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

16. Keep It

"Joon Seo's in the pediatric ward, right now. You could come back later," is the first thing he said as soon as I walked through the glass doors of his office. He's sitting on his desk, a file in his hands as his expression appears focused-though I'll never really know if he's just doing that as an excuse to avoid me. I stand there, completely motionless but not helpless at all. I look at him even more, trying to gauge what he really thinks out of his body language.

It's been four days since he last talked to me and I've spent them going to the hospital after work, visiting Joon Seo and his friend in the pediatric ward but never even having a hint of contact from him. Every time I ask his juniors where he is, they tell me he's busy. Every time I go to his office, he's not there. He's doing every kind of method he could think of to completely avoid me and it's infuriating me to the point where I'm just about to break. No matter how much I try to make the effort to talk to him about the problem, he keeps cowering away. But I won't let myself get stepped on again. I might love him this much, but I love myself too. The fact that I'm giving in to his wishes instead of going with how I think the situation should be handled shows so much about how I'm not taking good care of myself anymore.

"We need to talk about this, Joo Hyuk," I say firmly, refusing to hear any sort of excuse from his lips. "I'm going to explain." I've been spending too much time thinking about what to say and what I could possibly do to make things better. Frankly, I'm not even sure if I'm living the way that I'm meant to anymore. Everything's a mess of complex concepts floating around and I don't know which one I should grab.

He suddenly stands up, still looking at the opened folder in his hands, not sparing me a single glance at all. I clench my fists. "I have to start my evening rounds. If you don't mind, I'll be going-" as soon as he says it, I reach for the door's lock to turn it. He can't escape from me anymore, I won't let him. I've allowed him to slide through many other conversations that we could've had but not tonight.

"I said I'm going to explain, Nam Joo Hyuk," he looks up at the mention of his full name. Although I feel happy at that small reaction, I won't show him. "So it's either you sit down or you stay with me in here until you let me talk to you."

He looks at me blankly-simply emotionless. We stand there, staring at each other and though it may be impossible, it seems like we're trying to read each other's mind. This isn't something new to us. Through the years, we've been a ball of blurry and incoherent thoughts; knowing how things appear but never really understanding what they mean. "I didn't do it intentionally," I say, not giving him the chance to talk first because I know that if I do, I won't be able to say my side of the story at all. "You might have thought that it's harsh of me," I watch him just standing there, the file now hanging from his fingertips as I could see the weight of the situation dropping on his shoulders. His posture slumps as his fingers pinch the bridge of his nose, clearly disappointed. I know that he doesn't want to hear any of it, but he couldn't avoid it forever. He's going to need to hear it someday. "I know that too," I say, my voice breaking all the while holding the tears back for my and his sake. "But I didn't kill her, Joo Hyuk-"

"It might not have been direct, but it's something of the same sense, Sung Kyung-"

"Will you let me talk?" I say amidst his sentence, letting him hear the dismay in my voice at his attitude towards this. "At least this once," I take a deep breath. "Let me talk."

When I was met with silence, I gulp down my inhibitions as I look at him, showing him all my regrets ever since that very day. "She's already dead inside me," I say as I helplessly try to control the shred of tremor in my voice. "Before she was even born, she's already gone." The look on his face was one of a combination of sorrow, realization and possibly pity as I shake off the horrible feeling poking me from behind. "I would rather have Bo Gum blame me than blame himself for the rest of his life, so I let him think that I got an abortion." The tears finally come, streaming down my face like an endless amount of rain. I try to look at his reaction, but all I see is a blurry environment. There are just colors but no definite figures. I cover my mouth, keeping the sobs from echoing around the room. I told myself that I'll be strong but the thought that it's impossible is slowly creeping into my mind and it's something I couldn't refuse to accept. It's inevitable for a person to fall many times in a span of a lifetime. It's a proven fact.