Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

21. Stuck

The wind was knocked out of me the very moment that I recognized who was talking. The fear came in chills along my spine and goosebumps on my skin at how sinister the atmosphere seemed at the moment. The way that he sat on the burgundy chair and the way that he smiled at me in a way that made me uncomfortable but I thought that maybe I'll get used to it and will eventually see it as a normality. The moment he stood, my knees went weak. The intimidating stance that he has now is completely contradictory to how he was before.

Bo Gum used to be sweet and understanding. He rarely said no.

Which could have possibly been the reason behind his own destruction.

He just stands there, examining me from head to toe. The way my hair is a mess and my eyes are designed by hanging bags of skin as a result of nights spent thinking; pros to cons; what to lose and what to keep; how much I could give up all in one go. On my way here, I convinced myself that this is just another test that I have to finish, but as I approach-as I go nearer this house, the comforting thought just vanishes into thin air.

Bo Gum starts to walk, his eyes silently telling me to follow him and I did. I followed his resounding footsteps as the calm playing of the vinyl he put up prior to my arrival fades into the background of my fears. We approach a door at the end of the hall, a lone rainbow pinned up on its wooden surface. He opens it, before letting me make my way in.

I almost bawled at the sight before me.

There, in the bed that's situated between a closed window and a rocking chair, encased in walls colored the palest of all yellow is her. Byung Soon-my daughter. It's been years and the clawing sensation just grasps my heart. Although there's this numb feeling of something missing, I ignore it and approach the bed where she sleeps. She's in no critical condition. She's completely okay and I sighed at the realization. Never have I been so thankful in the span of existence that I've had in this world. The sight of her has put my anxiety to sleep as I thought that maybe, just maybe, I'll find happiness in her and not the situation that I have let myself end up in. I look up to see Bo Gum standing at the opposite side of the bed. His eyes are soft and it was a glimpse at the old him. His hands are tucked in his jeans' pockets as he also stares at our daughter. Although I'm still hopeful that the old him is still in there somewhere, I can't love him.

I can come to terms with the fact that I'll have to co-exist with a man like him. But Joo Hyuk will forever remain in my heart; in my blood. The only comfort that I will keep in the years to come is that I will be able to keep my daughter safe. "You haven't said a single word," Bo Gum speaks, calm and testing. There's uncertainty in his voice and in a way, it didn't surprise me.

"I don't know what to say," I whisper, lifting my hand up to caress Byung Soon's hair. Her breathing's stable, lips dry, hair a slight mess just like mine. Yet the nagging feeling of something I have yet to name just keeps nipping at my skin though I push it aside.

"This will be all over the news tomorrow," he says. "They're calling us in for an interview."

"I don't think I have the energy to go anywhere," I say, the tears finally breaking through the hard walls of my unwillingness to let my emotions take over. "I just want to take care of her for a while."

"We have to go. It's just for 30 minutes."

I sigh and just nod my head. I'm not in the mood to put up a fight over something petty.

"Let's go. Let her sleep," He holds me by the arms and guides me to stand up, taking the backpack from my other shoulder. We make our way out of the room as he gently closes the door. A wave of disbelief still overwhelms my senses as I stand there, immobile and not quite interested to return to the reality that I have involved myself in right now. I let Bo Gum just observe me. There was silence and for the first time in my life, I prefer it over the noise that Joon Seo and Joo Hyuk used to make back at the house. The realization of how much I lost slowly fills up the darkest corners of my heart as I think about how much I'm going to miss my boys.

"Sung Kyung, have some faith in me," Bo Gum mutters quietly and so suddenly. "I can make you happy," I feel his hand squeezing my left shoulder and I almost cringed away but didn't. "Just like how he did."

I lost the entirety of my ability to speak as I just turn to him and ask, "Where's my room?" insensibly dodging the incoming conversation about the love that I longed for but lost in an attempt to desperately keep it.

"Sung Kyung-"

"Where's my room, Bo Gum?" I say more firmly to try and tell him that this is not the type of conversation that I'd like to have most especially at a time such as this.

His face falls and there's not a single ounce of guilt in my conscience nor my heart. He deserves the cold shoulder. He deserves to be ignored. He deserves to be betrayed just like the way he betrayed me. "Will you just let me-"

"Please," I look at him with a pleading look. "Not tonight," I keep the sobs in despite the intense need to let it all out. I can't be weak. Byung Soon is my responsibility and I intend to make her happy even if I'm not happy myself. That's how mothers love, after all. They would do anything for the welfare of their children even if they're commonly taken for granted.

"Do you hate me that much?" the sadness and dismay in his voice is making my resolve weaker by the second. He's not supposed to have this effect on me anymore and I stand by that but it's difficult to get mad at someone who's just going after what he wants just like how I did with Joo Hyuk. We're evenly playing the same role but with different people. "Can't you find yourself being happy with me?" he asks and I couldn't believe how much hatred just bursted out of me at that very moment. "I can give you as much as he did-much more than he did. Can't you trust me on this?"

I just stand there, my head bent and my lips silent. It's not that I don't know what to say it's just that maybe if I let him say everything he has to, he'll eventually stop pursuing the issue so that we could talk about the more important things like our daughter. I've accepted that Joon Seo and Joo Hyuk is now part of the past that I'll continue to dislike revisiting the very moment that I decided to leave. They probably don't want to see my face at all because of what I did. The broadcast tomorrow will be an absolutely painful situation for them; and for me.

Bo Gum runs his hand through his hair, my backpack still hanging on his shoulder. the exasperation is so clearly painted on his face and I imagined that maybe that'll be the only expression he'll be having for the rest of our lives if he plans to keep me. The wind became stronger, the goosebumps appearing on the surface of my skin as he notices. He approaches the window and closes it. "Cut me some slack here, Kyung. Give me a chance."

I keep my mouth shut. I hate that I have to treat him like this. But he did this to himself. I have no room for guilt. He shouldn't expect me to just fall for whatever bullshit his mouth decides to spew out because I've been a victim of it once and I'm not letting it happen again. He might have this illusion that we'll be the perfect family now that he has me trapped in the four walls of this house but he should expect a bigger storm than what he caused.

I glanced at the clock to see that it's already 6 AM. The people back at the house are probably up and already looking for me which is the reason why he chose a house that's secluded from all the others-to give them a hard time. I hated him more because of it.

"Why aren't you talking?" he asks and I almost laugh at the stupid question. I answered him with another round of silence as I thought that maybe just like him, I was also immersed in a fantasy that was too far off to believe. Now that I've been slapped in the face by reality, I'm consumed by thought of showing him that everything he believes to be a perfect life is not at all like what he expects. I won't play nice. I won't be weak. I won't show him that he can control me and just push me around to be some sort of slave to cater to whatever the hell he wants.

I will find a way out of this rotten place.

"Why aren't you answering me, Kyung?" he asks again, grasping my shoulders tightly and shaking me lightly. My head remains bent as the sound of his heavy breathing dominates my ears. Then a deep chuckle boils up from my chest as I slowly look up to him just to fix him with a deadly yet stoic stare.

"Because none of your questions are even worth answering."