Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

20. At The Break of Dawn

It has been days since I expressed my need to be with my daughter. It has been nights since I last slept due to my concern of her welfare. I miss her terribly. They didn't even let me see her face. It had been hours since I last had a fight with Joo Hyuk, yet here we are again. He refuses to acknowledge the fact that I want to give more attention to the matter at hand-that he shouldn't give me an ultimatum that's incredibly difficult to choose between. I always knew that I didn't quite deserve all the things that have been handed to me so easily and I am currently hating myself for refusing to think about it before.

"How many times do you have to keep on breaking my heart?" he asks so silently-so sullenly after another round of pointless fighting, that it almost made me think twice about the decision I just made. But at the same time, there's still a part of me that's slightly angered by how selfish he is. He asked me this without thinking about how much pain he has caused me as well. He left me more times than he came back and in many ways, it's got me questioning a lot of things between us. Was it to soon for me to forgive him like how I did? "How many times does this has to happen-"

"-how many times are you going to keep being insensitive?" I ask, the fury slowly creeping up my veins as we both stand there; a rumpled mess of words wrongly said and misunderstood feelings, engulfed in the stale air that makes up what we really are-a pair of toxic beings pushed together by an inconsiderate fate. "You've left me countless of times, yet you don't feel the least bit of remorse for it now that I forgave you. Are you not gonna learn?"

"Don't use my mistakes as an excuse."

"Then stop using your stupidity to cover it up," I retort. "You're going to sacrifice my daughter's life just to keep someone as damaged as me," I grip the ends of my shirt, trying so hard to keep the fear and the anger at bay despite the helpless look that he has swimming in the depths of his brown eyes. It's been four days since we read the letter and we still found ourselves in the same situation that we've been in ever since I gave the ring back to him. I should have gone out of the house the very moment that I returned the damned piece of jewelry but I still had much to do especially in terms of easing Joon Seo into the idea that I'll be gone for a long time. "At some point, you're gonna have to accept that you need to let me go."

"So is that all that we mean to you?"

"Stop-"

"No, Sung Kyung," he answers with finality. "I'm not gonna stop trying to dissuade you from this insane idea that you have inside your head," he points to his own temple as if he's drilling the thought on my own. "You can't always be the savior in every damn story that you have for yourself," he says slowly like a man letting himself drown in shallow waters. "I know that you're strong and you're an incredible woman. You know how to stand up for yourself-" his voice softens, and my heart feels along with the tone of his voice. "But it's okay to ask for other people's help sometimes. There's nothing wrong with it."

I look at him with a facade of defiance, my eyes downcast on the floor but my heart beating with a hint of the wrong kind of pride. I'm afraid of the consequences brought about by this decision but I can no longer risk the welfare of my daughter who has already been lost once. Joon Seo has grown up with two loving parents all the while Byung Soon has nobody but an empty room and an enraged father. As a mother, I cannot let my daughter live like that. Bo Gum could keep being hateful but I will be comforted by the fact that she will grow with at least one parent showing her how loved she is. I could take her father's wrath, so long as she lives the way she deserves to. "I've already made up my mind," I say, my voice unwavering although the uncertainty is hiding behind my intense gaze. "I will not be swayed anymore," I add before turning to go up to my room.

Leaving my family would result to a big mess, but I'm confident that it'll be forgotten soon just like how I've always been-if not left to my own devices, just forgotten like the wind giving a momentary gust. If I told every single one of them about my plans, I will surely not make it to where I'm ought to be. I want to see my daughter so badly. So many questions have been drifting inside my mind and I'm listless due to the fact that none of them is being answered. Does she look like me? Has she been fed generously? Does she miss me? Does she want to know me at all?

For so many years, I have been blinded by my own problems that I've completely forgotten about her. I've been led to believe that she has died due to an incurable condition. But now that I know for certain that she's breathing somewhere unknown to me, the determination that I have with regards to finding her is unwavering. She deserves as much happiness as her brother has been experiencing for most of his life. So I waited.

I waited for the sun to set.

I waited for my supper with Joon Seo to finish.

I waited for the clock to strike 2 AM as I gazed at Joo Hyuk's sleeping form on the bed behind me.

I waited for my tears to fall, my fingers caressing his cheek.

I packed a bag-

-and I left.

The details that were sent with the letters are typed in on my phone as I enter the car clad in a pair of denim jeans, a grey hoodie and sneakers, triggering the ignition as the engine roars to life. I pull out of the driveway as the address remained etched in my mind. My surroundings are coming by in a blur as I zoom past the empty streets. I breathe deeply, my chest's expansion visible because of the impending breakdown that's yet to happen. But as soon as I realize that I'm going too fast, I slow down-the trauma of what has happened in my accident months ago has the fear creeping up on me as its shadow looms over me. It's a mystery how I have myself composed at this very moment given that I just left my son and his father. I took away my own chance at happiness because I want someone else to experience joy even if it means I have to suffer for it. I have been miserable for most of my life due to the pain that I had wrought upon myself, so I am prepared to face Bo Gum's wrath like it's something so normal to me.

I make a right turn, the GPS guiding me through the drive until I arrive at a simple house by the beach. It seemed peaceful, but I know that within that door is a world that will be completely foreign and utterly painful to me. Right now, I am just praying to every existing deity that I be saved in this lifetime. Although there is no doubt in my mind that I would be a walking representation of a woman who's alive outside yet dead within. I stare at the house, my backpack hanging loosely on my left shoulder. I didn't need to bring a lot so long as I have my wallet with me. And that's all I did-stare at my own pain, at my own fear of giving up the freedom that I have lived to know of.

I walk closer, the hesitation slowly listing itself down in an imaginary piece of paper instilled within my mind. The wind messes up my hair as the waves and the salty smell of the sea greatly reminds me of Busan-the waiting, the longing, the wanting; the dream that came rather too late but is once again lost at the sight of reality. My heart pounds wildly as I grab a hold of the door, knowing full well that it's open as I have been instructed. I turn the knob, yet refusing to push it open because I know that as soon as I walk through, there's no going back out.

But I do it anyway, walking inside a simply designed interior as I walk towards the living room with the faint light illuminating a small portion of it. I look at the man who sits on the winged chair by the large window that overlooks the sea. He smiles a twisted smile, a glass of amber liquid swirling against his hand as he cocks an eyebrow at my unmoving form. I stand there, not knowing what to think of how he's looking at me right now. There's a mystery to it that I do not know what to call.

"Welcome back, my dear," he smirks before taking a sip from his drink.