Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

19. Again

"What?" he said. It was a whisper, a word formed from utter disbelief but at the same time, a consideration of the possibility. We stood there, gaping at the paper sent from the hospital where I was supposed to give birth to my daughter in. My eyes feel like they're enflamed as the sordid tears form with a gloss on my vision. It was already difficult for me to accept her death but now knowing that I've been tricked into thinking so through the years that I've been grieving, it pains me even more. "How is that even possible?"

"I don't know," I reply, looking up to his eyes re-reading the document in rapid speed. "You tell me."

That seems to have lured us into silence as I could read in his face the refusal to let me see how he really feels about all this covered by an expression that says he's thinking quite deeply about the matter at hand. His eyebrows are scrunched, his lips pursed, his fingers tapping an unsteady beat on the marble as his other hand tightly grips my shoulder. Although he doesn't want to show me, I know exactly how he feels. Because it's true when they say that your heart becomes one with the people you love.

I look at Joon Seo staring at the two of us cluelessly. He never knew about his sister. I spared him the details in fear that he might blame himself or worse, he might end up hating me. He squeezed my hand even more despite his lack of knowledge about all of it as the tears finally fell down my cheeks. "Who sent it?" Joo Hyuk halts my thoughts as an epiphany dawns on me and I flip the folder back to its front page, only to find myself disappointed at how there's no name other than the hospital's. "Wait a second," he stops me from flipping the page again. "This is the hospital I had my residency in," and I feel my breath leaving me for a few seconds at what this could possibly entail. "This is Seohyun's hospital."

My head snaps up to look at him as my face scrunches with my heart that's slowly breaking. "Joo Hyuk-"

He draws me closer to him, shushing my crying as the realization hits both of us. "We'll fix this," he whispers.

I shake my head, the tears making his shirt damp and I have no time to feel guilty for it. I breathe in deeply, the cry wracking my body, my fingers shaking as my thoughts prove to be unreliable at the moment. "She-" I whimper. "She took her-" I cry, wanting to scream and thrash but controlling myself. "She-"

"We're not sure of that yet."

I suddenly pull away from him, looking up from where I'm seated. The anger's coming up to a boil despite all of my efforts to keep it on the low. "Are you taking her side now?" I know I'm probably arguing like an adolescent right now, but there's is no sense of logic left in me anymore.

"I'm not taking anybody's side," he pulls me closer again. "Let's be rational about this. We have to go and look for Byung Soon first. She's our priority right now." I could feel how unsettled he is eventhough he's trying his best to hide it. He takes the manila folder from my hands and continues to read through it, looking for clues at every possible transition-reading between the lines.

We sit here, unable to come to a resolve. I clutch my chest, guilty at how I almost forgot about my daughter when I was thrown into a pit of bliss. I look at Joon Seo once more, a sympathetic expression on his face thought I doubt he notices that. I grab his hand and squeeze it, coming closer to hug him to my chest and I cry even more. I think of everything that I'll have to say to him once we find out where Byung Soon is. I can't hide it from him forever. "Eomma," he calls out to me, detaching himself from me and just staring. "It's okay. Don't worry," he reassures me and I know that he's not understanding any of this. But I'm grateful to have him with me. I thought of Byung Soon as a lesson. She was younger than Joon Seo, but I thought of her that way. Since the very beginning, I have failed to be a mother to Byung Soon. I was always filled with the thought of how the very moment that I let them take her out of my womb-lifeless, I already failed to be a mother. So everyday, I keep telling myself that I won't let Joon Seo grow up without a mother because there were many times when I was physically there but not mentally. I would always drift off to my mistakes, immersing myself in the past. But now that I can finally have both of my children, I will make sure that I will be there for them for the rest of their lives even if they push me away.