Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

9. Am I Alive?

The darkness is unbearable. For almost half of my life, I've been asking for a void space where I could just be at peace with the things around me. I've always asked for the lack of light with the hope that maybe, just maybe, I could think on my life better. But now that it's being handed to me on a silver platter, I feel so suffocated. It makes me want to escape through the smallest of holes that I could find. But that's the problem; the darkness won't let me see anything as I realize that it's more blinding than light.

Or maybe my light hasn't arrived just yet.

The few moments I had left as the car crashes into mine was filled with flashes of images projected in front of my eyes. I suddenly saw all the laughter and the smiles. I suddenly felt the sadness and the tears. I remembered how it felt like to be loved by the man who has been the very subject of both my dreams and my reality. I remembered every line and every curve of his face; the movement of his lips as he speaks and the sweet melody that his words bring to my ears. My heart felt constricted in those few seconds as the thought of staying with my boys became a losing variable. The screeching of tires and the shattering of glass were the last things that I heard before the world turned for the worse.

There were moments when I saw light. There were moments when I heard voices. But I couldn't comprehend anything as I keep slipping into complete unconsciousness. I kept questioning myself if whether or not I was alive; if whether or not I was dead; if whether or not I could still keep living. But as Joo Hyuk said, I kept asking questions that are just being left unanswered. However this time, it feels otherwise.

As my eyes slowly open to such blinding light from the sun, I realize that my questions are indeed being answered. I'm alive. My breaths are even as I glance around the room but I suddenly press my palm on my head at the feeling of the pain that's currently making me dizzy. I'm also suddenly aware of the tingling sensation in my left arm and my leg. My right hand was warm as I carefully turn my bandaged head to a man's hand clutching my uninjured one while he sleeps on a hospital chair. Without even taking a glance at his face, I already knew. I suddenly feel so aware of my surroundings as the mirror in front of my hospital bed shows me a bruise by my right cheek and cuts on my lip and above my eye brow. I look beaten but at that moment, I thank God that I'm alive. I still have a lot to do in this life, starting with the angelic face that's sleeping beside me, his head resting next to our clutched hands.

He looks so peaceful-without worry. The bags under his eyes are enough evidence that he's really been working hard for the many days that we have not seen each other. But his lips were forming a frown and it had me wondering why. Slowly, quietly, I remove my hand from his grasp as I reach to his face to touch his lips. I caress it gently, smoothening the edges as I let my fingers wonder to his furrowed eye brows, his facial features softening at every stroke that my fingers make.

My angel, you have saved me once again.

His eyes slowly open as I move my hand to his hair, running it through the soft strands. He doesn't move and just stares at me. I know that he has a lot to say to me and I to him but I want this moment to be just us. I almost died back there. I never want to go through that without him knowing how much he really means to me.

The sun sets.

The sun rises.

But it's not bright enough without him.

As I continue with what I'm doing, his face suddenly crumbles together with the barrier that he built against his emotions. The tears gloss over his eyes as he continues to stare at me. The look on his face made me want to sob at how close I was to losing him-forever. My chest is constricting with the thought that the last expression that I could've remembered from his face was of sadness and pain, all because of the wrong things that I have done. So I slide my hand to his cheek, wiping the tear away from his soft skin. He closes his eyes as I see it in his face how precious the contact is to him. He reaches up to hold my wrist while I feel my own tears falling down my cheeks. He was still dressed in his work clothes and lab coat, looking so disheveled yet so utterly handsome-angelic. I was left speechless but feeling everything all at once. "Kyung," he calls out, not quite believing that I really am awake. He stares into my eyes as the tears are still falling and I couldn't help but let a sob make its way out of my throat. "You're awake," he says shakily and it's my undoing. We were a mess of tears and painful pasts but still, we ended up here; with each other.