Paper Toads and a Hundred Roses | Lee Sung Kyung & Nam Joo Hyuk

18. The Consequences of Joy

"I think you let me off the hook too fast," he says, stroking my hair gathered on his palms as we lay there staring at my ceiling, legs entangled underneath a mess of cream sheets and smiles hidden behind sleepy mutterings of I love you's. We've spent hours in each other's embrace, traces of the morning light creeping up on the walls while we wallow in how thirsty we are of the sun that's about three hours shy from rising. We spent the night in a sleepless sense; touching, caressing, dry lips drinking in each other; letting the feelings take their course, forgetting about everything that we should be worrying about. I smile and take a deep breath, satisfaction filling in every empty part of me. I close my eyes, letting my ears hear his breathing, the clock's ticking, his heart's beating. I hear everything except the inhibitions that used to pile up inside my head. "I thought about it over and over."

"Thought about what?" I ask as I lift my head to look at him. His eyelashes seem longer. His face has this wondering look that has me curious all the time. But it saddens me how I see the difficulty in his eyes and his lips and his expression.

He suddenly looks at me, and it surprises me how his gaze still makes my heart beat so fast. "How I'm going to ask you to forgive me," he says. "I thought I would have to beg because I've always known how headstrong and stubborn you are," he looks at our intertwined fingers, letting his eyes linger for a few silent moments. "You've always been the only woman who's brave enough to stand up to me," he whispers and I can't help but smile at the way he talks about me as if I wasn't in the room. "-well, I guess you're not the only one since your mother scolds me a lot."

I laugh as I feel him watching me, my ears hearing the familiar sound of his chuckling and it gave me just enough time to appreciate how simple things really are-how easy life is without having to complicate it myself. "It has always been like that, you know?" I say.

"What has?"

"Being in love," I sit up to look down at him, trailing my finger down his exposed chest. "Days will seem like years. Every silent second feels like a death sentence," I lean down to give him a quick kiss. "Pain doesn't last as long as happiness."

"Everything's worth it," he finishes.

"Everything's worth it."

So we just stared at each other, the world slowly fading as the silence pulls us down, deeper into each other while we let it, not a single complaint leaving our lips and not a single trace of regret showing in the way we looked at one another. I guess, to a certain extent, I'm thankful that he left. Because it gave us enough time to think if whether or not we could spend the rest of our lives the way we've always dreamed of-the way we've always imagined. The future's a mystery, but now that he's here, I think I could face whatever it may bring.

"Mom?"Joon Seo's voice snaps us out of the trance we're in as we both look at the opened doorway to see him in his monkey pajamas with a head of messy hair as he clutches on to his plush toy. He looks exactly like his father.

"Yes, sweetheart?" I stand up to walk towards him, scooping him up in my arms. "You hungry?"

I was met with no words but a simple nod as he rests his head on my shoulder, probably looking at his father and wondering why he hasn't gotten up yet. "I'll cook," I heard Joo Hyuk say and if my back wasn't turned to him, I would probably be thanking him with my eyes.

"Well that's certainly a first," I mutter as I feel a pillow hitting my back. "Hey!" I turned to see him already standing there and smiling down at me as if he's looking at the best thing that has ever happened to him. It made my heart flutter.

"Hey yourself," he whispers before leaving a sweet kiss on my lips and leaving me with a giant grin stuck to my face. He stares at me for a few moments, all the while mirroring my expression and my heart is just bursting with every single feeling that I know and don't know how to name. "Absolutely beautiful," he whispers once more as he leaves another kiss. He moves away from me and I almost protest but I just settle with watching him grab his shirt off of the back of my desk chair as he leaves us standing in the middle of the room.

"Mom," I hear my son's voice as his cheek is still pressed to my shoulder. I run my fingers through his smooth black hair before giving his temple a gentle kiss.

"Yes, darling?"

"Is dad gonna stay with us from now on?" He lifts his head, forcing me to gaze at his brown, hopeful eyes. Honestly, I don't know the answer to that yet. I never asked him and I'm not sure if I should. We just patched things up and I keep on wondering if he's not sensitive to these kinds of things. "Is he?"

I sigh, tightening my hold on him as I suddenly feel the weight of the question on my shoulders. "We'll have to ask him, Joon Seo," I decided to play it safe. Maybe an answer will put the child off of the topic for a while.

"Now? Okay," he says, pulling on my arms so I would let him get down. But I didn't.

"Not now, baby," I kiss his temple again. "Dad's busy. He's working so that you could keep all your toys," I smile hesitantly as he just sullenly nods in half-hearted understanding. I breathe and try to not let the guilt consume me. I let him down and I wipe my sweaty palms on the hem of my oversized shirt. I walk out after him to proceed to the kitchen. So many thoughts are coming and going inside my head. I know that he's asked me so many times to marry him already but why does moving in still feel like such a big step to take? Why does it feel like a risk rather than a give? Am I doing something wrong with all this?

When I got there, I was surprised that it wasn't a mess. I put on my best smile before sitting by the breakfast bar. The egg carton was opened as a selection of fruits were aready prepped on the counter. There was flour and milk and cheese and different types of greens. "Well," I begin. "I see that you've learned how to cook," I joke as he turns and jokingly gives me a resemblance of an evil eye. I laugh as he grabs some peas and throws it my way. "Stop throwing things at me!" I shout at him but I couldn't help but let the smile settle some more on my face.

"Well, aren't you a big bully?" he mutters and goes back to cooking the last plate of omelet. I stand up to go behind him as I wrap my arms around his torso. Joon Seo's seated on top of the counter as he curiously looks at his immature parents.

"You should be thankful," I say.

"Thankful?" he asks in shock and mockery. I roll my eyes but lean my head on his back all the same.

"I'm gonna bully you for the rest of your life."

"I still don't get why I have to be thankful for that," he switches the stove off and turns to look at me.

"You should be thankful because you're gonna be the only person I'll bully," I whisper. "For the rest of my life," I finish as he chuckles softly, his face a few inches from mine, his breath fanning my eyes as I'm positive that he could feel the hard pounding in my chest.

"You are going to be the biggest pain in the ass," he replies, his nose skimming mine. "But I could live with that," he kisses the corner of my mouth as I close my eyes, the presence of our son momentarily forgotten. "For the rest of my life," he mutters as he pulls away. I smile, my lips stretched wide and my teeth showing. As I said, the simplest things produce the happiest moments. "Before I forget," he reaches behind me to get a long manila folder. "This came for you in the mail," I nod and take it from his hand as he goes back to finishing breakfast.

I walk back to my seat to open the folder, my mind in the midst of complete bliss. The beginning of it didn't seem like it's bad news or maybe the words were just not registering in my head. But as I got through half of it, I feel as if my heart stopped. I read through the words written on it, once, twice, thrice, not quite comprehending what it was trying to tell me. The air was entirely sucked out of my lungs. The tears were forming by the corner of my eyes. My hands were shaking, my mind's in tangles, my life has come to quite possibly the biggest downward spirals that I have ever come to know of. "Joo Hyuk," I choked out as I grab on the marble counter to keep my self steady. With the sound of my weak voice, he came to me in a rush as Joon Seo holds my hand, sensing the negative energy. "Joo Hyuk," I call out once more.

"What is it, sweetheart?" he pushes my hair back and hugs me closer to his chest. "What is it?"

I sob, the sound echoing around the house. "Joo Hyuk,"

"What is it, Sung Kyung?" his voice was shaking, the situation putting him in an anxious position.

"Byung Soon-" I choke out. "-she's alive."