Her Ideal Husband

💠12

' Mom?' I stuttered as I gaped at the woman sitting in front of me, the woman who claims to be my mother. She looked older..much older than I remembered her to be. Age had not done her well at all. I couldn't believe she was here. Why now? After all these years of not knowing where or how she is? And now she's come back to and in her words ' ask for our forgiveness'.  A surge of anger rushed through me as I stared at her with all the hate I could put into my eyes. Who does she think she is? After all these years..leaving me to grow up without the guidance and love of a mother, leaving my dad to live without the companionship and love of his partner..his wife? After all the years of living with my insecurity.. She made me believe I wasn't good enough to be loved by anyone. After all my own mother didn't love me enough..so she left me. After all these years of hurt and anguish.. She wants forgiveness?

' Get out. ' I spat through clenched teeth. '

' Raya please-' Dad began but I cut him off.

' No dad.' I shook my head. ' She has to leave.'

Mama Hannah looked as though she wanted to say something but the cold glare I threw at her made her shut her mouth.

Better.

Standing up I pointed at the door,my hands shaking with Barely contained fury. ' Get out this instant before I do something I regret.'  I said coldly to the woman who claimed to be my mother.

She stood up silently, brushing her old wrinkled black skirt down, hanging her worn out brown leather bag over her shoulder she turned to look at me with those brown eyes that were so identical to mine. ' I'm sorry.' She whispered sadly before turning away to leave.

' Sabrinah-' Dad began but she cut him off. '  I understand Ahmad. What I did to the both of you is unpardonable and inhumane. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I didn't cause you both any hurt. I was supposed to be the one to take care of you, cherish and love you,keep our family together but I ended up doing the opposite.'  She sighed and lowered her head ,she wasn't quick enough because I saw the tears pooling in her eyes and on reflex I felt my eyes moistening too. The finger I was pointing at the door wavered and I began to shake. Not from anger or fury but from pity and maybe yearning? I didn't know, I couldn't tell, I just wanted her to leave.

' I don't want to see you here when I get back.' I spat at her coldly before leaving the house. I couldn't bear to be in the same room with her. I was afraid..afraid that instead of me feeling angry..hurt like any sane person would be... I would feel the opposite. It took all of my restraint not to go back to her and fling myself into her arms, beg her not to ever leave.. Tell her that I had forgiven her...but I couldn't or rather I didn't want to.

I hopped into my car and drove to a little park situated behind the house,I needed somewhere to think and this was the perfect place. Walking in, I spotted a bench near a tree. I sat down and raised my head up to the sky feeling the warmth of the evening sun warm my skin through the leaves of the tree.

Tears spilled from my eyes as I thought back to the sad look in her eyes. My heart felt like it was being torn and shredded to pieces. Why did this have to happen? Why? I thought as more tears poured out. I thought I was strong, that i didn't care anymore, that I didn't want her to love me but I was wrong,oh how wrong I was. It was just an act that I put up. The little girl in me, the little girl she had left behind squealed with glee when she saw her, she wanted to be hugged and comforted by her but I wouldn't let her, the adult me wouldn't let her, the 'me' that was now hardened,insensitive and unemotional courtesy of what she (my mom) had done to me.

I cried for an hour? Hours? I didn't know. I must have fallen asleep on the bench because when I woke up it was dark. I made to stand up and leave when I heard a voice that startled me. I jumped up from the bench and whirled to my side, I saw Samir staring at me with that smirk on his face.

' What are you doing here?!' . I yelled at him. He had almost given me a heart attack.

' I went over to the house but you weren't there..'

I hope he didn't meet her. ' Who told you I was here?' I sighed as I joined him on the bench.

He shrugged. ' Your dad,he said you might be here. '

' Oh'

He nodded. ' Your eyes are puffy. ' He commented , staring at me with gentleness. I looked away, I don't know why he affects me this much. His eyes,they are unnerving. And I didn't want to look in them because I didn't want him to see me vulnerable. Never.

' Do you want to talk about it?' He asked gently when I didn't answer.

I shook my head in the negative.

He sighed. '  I love you Raya.' He confessed and I looked up sharply,startled at his confession.  He laughed nervously. ' I know you probably don't want to hear this but its true,I have,ever since I saw you that night at the bar,when you were conversing with your bottle of-'

' -Coke' I completed nervously.

He nodded. ' Yes. I don't know how to explain it well. I think about you every single second,minute and hour of the day. I am intrigued by you, your sultriness,your sharp mouth, your strength,your humour and your kind heart. I want you to let me in, let me be there for you. I want to be with you Raya,share your happiness and sadness, share your pain and your joy, the ups and downs. I promise to be there for you always, if you would just let me in.'

Leaning over he took my hands in his. ' I love you, I really do. Just give me a chance to prove it to you...please'

And I did something I've never done in front of a man,other than my dad.

I cried.

I cried till I felt like my eyes had been cut out, till I felt like I had no more tears to shed, till I became weak.

And he sat with me through it all..holding me and offering me his comfort and warmth. Just like he promised.

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