Help Me Find My Wings (Destiel)

Chapter 16

He wished it would be easier to forget that something was wrong and that it would be easier to just think Dean was asleep and would be waking up any minute now, smiling sleepily and frowning at his own bed head.

But life wasn't this easy. The machines surrounding Dean's bed were the harshest reminders that there was more wrong, more damage than might be seen. The only thing that assured Castiel at least slightly was the heart monitor that was beeping quietly and maybe the ventilator that helped Dean breathe.

Dean himself didn't look too good. He was pale which made the bruises stand out even more than they possibly would have if he had had his normal skin tone. Even his freckles stood out more. Dean would hate that so much but Cas loved every single one of them and wished he could count them but then again he knew that Dean would never let him do that.

A thick bandage covered Dean's stomach, exactly where the branch had impaled him. Cas let his fingers wander over the gauze, swallowing thickly. This was such a nightmare but he couldn't do one single thing. He wouldn't wake up because this.. This was the harsh reality he was living in.

Cas sighed and rested his head on the bed, watching Dean with sad eyes, trying his best to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall but he knew he wasn't doing a very good job. He was failing yet again to stay strong, he was failing to be there for his boyfriend.

"I... Tell him I've been here, okay? I'll.. I'll leave my number, he can text me anytime he wants to, okay? I hope he gets better."

Elijah's quiet voice made Cas look up a little. He had long forgotten about the brunet but he just nodded now, he would pass on the message. It wasn't like he hadn't liked the company but he hadn't even realized somebody was there with him and he just wanted to be alone if he was completely honest with himself. He didn't need any company right now, he just needed his Dean.

He took Dean's hand as he had heard Elijah leave and sighed, biting his lip harshly. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to destroy something - but he felt paralysed, he felt like he couldn't move at all. He was just so numb without Dean and he felt like this wasn't a way of living - which it definitely wasn't.

Despise was the only word he would use for this dependency. It was destroying him from the inside and it wouldn't take much longer for that destruction to be seen on the outside. It wouldn't take long until people realized that he wasn't as composed as he was trying to pretend to be, people would finally realize that he was weak and that he wasn't able to stay strong all the time.

But was breaking down really that bad? He was only human, he was allowed to break down and hate himself or what he did, he was allowed to want to destroy the world. Nobody could be at peace with themselves all the time, there would always be a war. And even if there was peace it would never last long, another battle would soon show up and leave Castiel destroyed, more so than every last battle had.

And he was tired of pretending to be strong. The facade he had to put up was way more exhausting than just fighting all these wars and battles, it was way more destructive. All it took was one stone being shoved out of the wall he had built around himself and the whole construction collapsed on itself, burying him beneath it. Losing Dean had been the point where his walls had crumbled and he wasn't sure if he would be able to build them again, he didn't think he was strong enough to do this all over again.